*We confidently anticipate that this week will feature a series of blistering attacks on Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger. Want to kick us off, Eli?*

Eli (the best hyperbole in the whole world, ever):
It’s been such a good long while since a film as brash and unassuming as End of Watch forced its way onto screens that it doesn’t so much get my orange as take it at gunpoint. Jake Gyllenhaal will be judged by history as one of this early century’s finest leading men, and End of Watch showcases his infectious charisma perfectly. I’ve got nothing against shit Christmas films, or shit films in general, but Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger looks so blindingly offensive I’d have to ingest a sea captain’s private stash of rum to sit through it. Plus, Marc Wootton’s turn as the enthusiastic man-child school helper only serves to raise questions about manger danger I’d rather not follow up.

Orange Choice: End of Watch
Ultimate Lemon: Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger

Flo (globe-trotting infant):
IT’S SO VERY COLD TODAY! LET’S ALL GO DRINK MULLED WINE AND WATCH THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL! Seriously, what could you want to do more? It’s starting to feel very Christmassy and we all know the best Christmas film of all time is the aforementioned Muppet Christmas Carol. So don’t waste your 241 on something new, go with an old classic that you know for a fact contains Michael Caine doing a funny arm dance. On the other hand, if you want Christmas to die, go and see Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger. It may have David Tennant in it but it’s also called Danger in the Manger.

Orange Choice: The Muppet Christmas Carol
Ultimate Lemon: Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger

John (planning his Dwayne Johnson tattoo):
I’m not too psyched about anything that’s out this week, so I’m going to plump with Eli and go for End of Watch – Jake Gyllenhaal certainly has his moments, and any film that can overcome the challenges of documentary-style Handycam filming automatically has something going for it. My Orange is fairly irrelevant, though – I don’t care what you watch, just as long as you avoid Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger. David Tennant’s done a pretty good job of banking his Doctor Who goodwill, but this tinsel-draped abortion just blew it all in one go – if they next thing you do isn’t solid gold, Dave, you’re toast.

Orange Choice: End of Watch
Ultimate Lemon: Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger

*Looks like we’ll be united in our hatred for Nativity, eh? Eh, Kayleigh? Oh, for fuck’s sake…*

Kayleigh (gives out sweet things but is NOT a paedophile!):
In an ideal world, I would just repeat last week’s OWL. I still want to see Silver Linings Playbook, more than anything else, and I still actively want to avoid Gambit. But, in the spirit of bringing variety into the mix, I am instead dishing out my orange to Nativity 2: Danger In The Manger. HA! You weren’t expecting THAT now, were you? But I’m in the mood for festive fun with the always delicious David Tennant (come back to Doctor Who, David!) and, you know, the film donated the majority of proceeds to Children In Need. Which is just… it’s just lovely, isn’t it? Fun Christmassy loveliness – stick some sweet-laden cocktail sticks into my orange and let’s make this a Christingle moment. My lemon goes to Starbuck, because a) it reminds me of the soulless beancrusher and b) it’s about an outta control sperm donor. And that bores me more than I can possibly say.

Orange Choice: Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger
Ultimate Lemon: Starbuck

*Sort her out, Vincent.*

Vincent (upset Gary Lineker’s wife):
I’ve been seeing a lot of off-kilter comedies lately. Long gone are the days where a bit of Jason Statham would satisfy me, I’m spending all my time considering the balance between pathos and humour, and, you know, hamburger phones and the like. As such, my recommendation for the week is Silver Linings Playbook, which is lovely. Big laughs, great characters and Bradley Cooper’s permanent 5 o’clock shadow makes this a juicy Orange for me. On the opposite end of the scale, Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger gave me a migraine. Even watching David Tennant throw children off a sheer cliff wasn’t enough to make is a recommend. Upon leaving the cinema I a) converted to Judaism and b) had an alleyway-vasectomy. I hereby award it the Infinite Lemon.

Orange Choice: Silver Linings Playbook
Ultimate Lemon: Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger

*And lo, balance is restored. See you next week, folks!*