*Hello Florence, what are we seeing this week? We’ll just go order a mixed popcorn. Do you have any change?*

Flo (Walken tall):
SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS. PLEASE LOCATE ANOTHER HUMAN AND GO USE YOUR 241 WATCHING SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS THIS WEDNESDAY. For God’s sake. It’s just so good! Sam Rockwell is so good in it! And Christopher Walken is so good as well! And there’s a cute doggy! What more do you people want? Alex Cross? Is that what you want? A new version of those films that used to have Morgan Freeman in that now have Tyler Perry in, only not dressed as an old lady for once? Is that really what you want to see this Wednesday? Don’t be ridiculous. You do not want to watch the guy from Lost being all gross and thin and murdery in Alex Cross, you want to watch Seven Psychopaths. End of.

Orange Choice: Seven Psychopaths
Ultimate Lemon: Alex Cross

*GUNS AND HUMOUR it is, then. Vincent, would you kindly hook us up with some chocolate mice and bubblegum cola bottles. We feel like bombing our insides.*

Vincent (Walken away):
If you haven’t already seen the masterpiece that is Ben Wheatley’s Sightseers, then rectify your abominable oversight at once! It really is spectacularly good. I haven’t been able to get Frankie Goes To Hollywood out of my head in about 3 weeks. I’m giving it an Orange while I wipe this bin juice off my leg. See it immediately! In other news, I fucking hated Rise of the Guardians, which did the only thing you must not do in a kids film – be boring. Jude Law (real name Dave Law, which sounds much more appropriate given the caliber of his acting) is an absolute train wreck of a bad guy. It looked nice, but considering this was the same team that produced How To Train Your Dragon, I was deeply unimpressed, offended, mortified and sleepy. A big old lemon in your Christmas stocking this year, DreamWorks.

Orange Choice: Sightseers
Ultimate Lemon: Rise of the Guardians

Steven (Where’s Walken?):
There really is only one film out this week that’s truly worthy of our orange-y honour, and that’s Peter Ramsey’s Rise Of The Guardians. While Pixar have fannied about picking Dream Teams, ironing their Hawaiian shirts and telling Wittertianment that they wouldn’t know what to do with $5 million, DreamWorks have gotten on with the business of making bloody good movies. I’ve seen it twice already. In Russian. If I were you I’d throw my lemon in the direction of Nativity 2: Danger In The Manger, because Mr. Poppy didn’t deserve to survive one film, let alone two.

Orange Choice: Rise of the Guardians
Ultimate Lemon: Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger

*Steven, you’re a fully grown man. We’ll only submit to your perverted whims if you score us some Scrumpy from Iceland. You’ll make it back in time for the trailers. They’re the best bit!*

Eli (Walken centre):
SO MUCH TO CHOOSE FROM. Last week I took Flo’s advice and did in fact stay in with Michael Caine and the Muppets. It was cosy. But it means I STILL haven’t seen Silver Linings Playbook or Sightseers, and now Seven Psychopaths is out and about. FUCK THIS, I’m giving my orange to Mads Mikkelsen because he’s been wrongly accused of manger danger in Thomas Vinterberg’s magnificent The Hunt, and it looks like he could use the vitamin C. A waterfall of lemon juice squeezed into the eyes of children who’ve dragged their parents to Rise of the Guardians! Stay til the end of the credits, kids. ALL CHARACTERS APPEARING IN THIS WORK ARE FICTITIOUS. FEAST ON THE LIES OF DREAMWORKS.

Orange Choice: The Hunt
Ultimate Lemon: Rise of the Guardians

*Imo, this is disastrous! NO-ONE WANTS TO SEE THE SAME THING. ORANGE WEDNESDAY IS FALLING LIKE ROME. Whose money are you going to save?

Imo (Walken in Memphis):

OK, so I have been desperately remiss when it comes to ticking films off my current list: Silver Linings Playbook looks amazeballs, but then Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence are the Twix of cinema – two chocolate-smothered treats, equally delicious – and I would love them in anything (yes, I even loved The A-Team, SO WHAT?!). I still have not a smidgen, not a hint, not a whiff of a desire to see either Gambit (another vehicle for Colin Firth to remove his trousers), or the inevitably disappointing Great Expectations. This week, my film a la orange has to be Seven Psychopaths – tortured and bestubbled soul Colin Farrell was made for black comedy, and we’re all Walken on sunshine as last week’s shrine proves. Rise of the Guardians is definitely the ultimate lemon because if you squeeze it into children’s eyes they will cry (oh snap, Eli). HUGH JACKMAN, HOW COULD YOU DISAPPOINT ME SO?! Seriously, not even children enjoy this, I’ve asked them. NOT EVEN CHILDREN.

Orange Choice: Seven Psychopaths
Ultimate Lemon: Rise of the Guardians

*So, we’ll link up after you and Flo have finished basking in the pine-scented glow of St. Christopher. Bring lemons. We can unite BFF in the blinding of children and Steven Neish.*