*Well, here we are again. Vincent, you faithful old hound, get us going with a cracker…*

Vincent (sleeping rough):
There’s a real paucity of any decent cinema releases this week, thanks to the baleful influence of The Hobbit, which is out tomorrow and therefore not a valid option for either Orange or Lemon this week. The obvious Orange must therefore go to the most orangey orange of any film about oranges – The Oranges. Although I had a few niggling problems with it (it’s not a film about oranges for one thing), it still is a massively fun film. Hugh Laurie alone would be enough to get me interested, but you throw Alia Shawkat in there and I’ve got to give it a big old Orange. Best of all, it’s a Christmas film! An actual bloody Christmas film that doesn’t make me want to vomit into a stocking? Unthinkable! Lemon – The Man with the Iron Fists. I’ve already spent enough time writing about it already. Fuck you RZA.

Orange Choice: The Oranges
Ultimate Lemon: The Man with the Iron Fists

*Where would we be without your willingness to defame Wu-Tang Clan members, Vince?*

Eli (turning tricks):
Prestige season. It’s a load of bollocks. That wonderful time of year when we gather together and celebrate inaccurate portrayals of mental illness, champion spurious historical biopics and wallow in a deluge of earnest, over-eager acting tailored for the Kodak Theatre come February. This week, go see Khiladi 786. It’s a Bollywood film that emanates a modest charm from its garish love of fast cars and pornographic slow-motion, something severely lacking from more serious iterations of such qualities found in American counterparts. Don’t go see anything with awards tat on the poster. If you do you’ll be feeding the awards machine and contributing to the iPad-lined gift bags propping up reception rooms across Hollywood in the new year.

Orange Choice: Khiladi 786
Ultimate Lemon: any serious films at all

*Oh, Eli, we will miss your countercultural japes. Sob. Imogen?*

Imogen (raiding bins):
Of course, like everyone else in the known universe, I really want to see The Hobbit. NOW. In fact, I’m tempted to save up my precious Orange Wednesday money until it FINALLY puts us all out of our misery and appears on general release. But in the interest of helping out the nation, and its ailing phone companies, I won’t abstain. I will pick up my pride, beg, borrow, or steal a code and march myself right into a showing of Sightseers. Off the back of its win at the BIFAs, Alice Lowe and Steve Oram are riding high. Caravans, Yorkshire, fluffy dogs, and gruesome murders? Infinite joy for the Grinchiest of souls. Triumphantly gloating over my remarkable success in palming the 3-hour Bollywood epic Khiladi 786 onto a Best For Film cohort (sorry again, Eli!), I am going to have to award this the Ultimate Lemon. I don’t know anything about it, it could be Ashish R. Mohan’s masterpiece, but it’s long enough that it needs an interval. An interval where they will be serving refreshing lemon wedges and cloudy lemonade. LEMON.

Orange Choice: Sightseers
Ultimate Lemon: Khiladi 786

*So many lovely lemony turns of phrase! Oh god, we’re going to cry. Bring it home, John.*

John (alone again):
This week, the piffling adventures of Akshay Kumar, Hugh Laurie and RZA (apparently it’s pronouced Rizza, which is ghastly) can take a powder – the only thing I’m interested in Miley Cyrus’ latest onscreen cry for help, So Undercover. A deeply ill-advised combination of the least interesting things about Miss Congeniality and 21 Jump Street WHICH ALSO FEATURES KELLY OSBOURNE, I can’t think of a single reason for watching it… except that there’s not really anything else on, and ripping the piss out of Hannah Montana (preferably with an unsterilised industrial syringe) is always pretty good fun. Plus it’ll leave you hungry for a lady-driven comedy that’s actually good, rendering Pitch Perfect even more satisfying when it hits screens in a week and a bit. Yay for Miley! Boo for Miley! Doesn’t she mostly just get her tits out on the internet now, anyway?

Orange Choice: So Undercover
Ultimate Lemon: So Undercover

*Well, that ruined the mood – go on, piss off and cross the final day off your Hobbit Countdown calendar. Only… come back soon, won’t you? It’s ever so lonely here.*