Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #99

*Tensions are running high at BFF – which film will sophomore OWLer Ray honour with his presence? Put us out of our misery, Ray!*

Ray (professional Liotta impersonations at YOUR party or function):
Everyone I’ve spoken to about Les Misérables has told me that it is fabulous, wonderful, emotional, big, bold, and definitely one to be viewed once and never again. This removes a lot of responsibility from my shoulders as I generally am able to judge how well I liked a film by how many times I went to see it in the cinema. If Les Mis is the standout, once-but-that’s-all spectacular that everyone says it is, then I can safely visit the cinema once, this evening, and then make up my mind without counting the viewings (I am very bad with numbers – there I said it!). So for both mathematical and aesthetic reasons, Les Mis it is. As for lemons, who can see beyond The Last Stand? The trailer has attacked my sight on several visits to the cinema during the past few weeks, and each time I promise I have felt a tiny bit of my consciousness slip away from me, possibly never to return. I’m sure I could have typed the last sentence a little bit faster had I not endured the last trailer for The Last Stand, and for that reason I award it a lemon. Additionally, I offer up a fervent prayer that some time soon Schwarzenegger will use that tiny bit of consciousness that he has stolen from me and realise that he is hurting us all and needs to stop.

Orange Choice: Les Misérables
Ultimate Lemon: The Last Stand


*Alright, Ray, no need for an essay. Anyway, The Last Stand isn’t even out yet! Useless. Give it to us straight, Carlotta!*

Carlotta (welcoming the punch):
IT’S THE WEEK WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL OUR LIVES! Tarantino’s seventh big feature film DJANGO UNCHAINED is out and I’m going to be throwing so many Oranges at the screen it’ll be an orange juice MAYHEM. And because there’s basically nothing else on at the moment, I’m going to present my Lemon to Ballroom Dancer. While it looks to be full of wonderful body-bending dance routines, there are plenty of dance shows on TV to be dealing with without having to trek to the cinema to watch a full documentary on this Latin dancer no-one’s ever heard about. Apart from dancers. In which case, fully encourage an Orange to be used. But I’m not about to pass up the opportunity to eyeball Leonardo DiCaprio lovingly and for HALF THE PRICE no less. Do the right thing, world, go watch a film about slavery.

Orange Choice: Django Unchained
Ultimate Lemon: Ballroom Dancer


*BOOM. Flossie, you probably want to see that Scottish film, yeah?*

Flossie (woading up):
My orange for this week has got to be Michael Winterbottom’s beautiful realist drama Everyday, to which I gave a sparkling review just yesterday. Filmed over 5 years with real siblings (non-actors) the film has a sincerity rarely seen on screen. Sadly, Everyday is only showing at the Barbican for a limited time, so see it while you still can! As the only Scot in Team BFF, however, I am ashamed to say that The Wee Man is my lemon of the week. Despite desperately wanting this Glasgow-set thriller (although it was filmed in East London) to be the next RocknRolla, almost everyone who has seen it agrees it is tedious at best. Martin Compston (of Sweet Sixteen fame) plays renowned Gangsta Paul Ferris, who grew up to become a leader in the criminal underworld. Unlikely to get pulses racing, or so I’ve heard.

Orange Choice: Everyday
Ultimate Lemon: The Wee Man


*Traitor. Kayleigh, you look pissed off…*

Kayleigh (mounting the barricades):
Today is a bad day. Think biting cold weather, think celery for lunch, think pent-up anger against a ridiculous and repressive regime. Therefore my orange is obviously going to Tarantino’s Django Unchained, DESPITE the fact I’ve already sat through all 2 hours and 45 minutes of it, because I feel as if all of that cathartic violence would be very good for my soul right now. I need the cartoonish plumes of blood, I need the self-righteous fury, I need Christoph Waltz’s sunny (yet deadly) outlook on life and I definitely need some of Quentin’s fast-paced wit. My lemon, on the other hand, is getting hurled at Monsters Inc 3D. Why would I do such a thing to a Pixar classic, you ask? Because it’s in fucking 3D.

Orange Choice: Django Unchained
Ultimate Lemon: Monsters Inc 3D


*Blimey, you are pissed off. Maybe John will be a bit more chilled out…*
John (allium saboteur):
This week my orange is probably going to have to be squeezed into juice and offered with a straw, because it’s going to John Hawkes’ extraordinary depiction of polio-stricken poet Mark O’Brien in The Sessions. Despite spending the greater portion of the film in an iron lung, Hawkes’ performance as a disabled man who engages a ‘sex surrogate’ in order to lose his virginity is quite astonishingly touching, and on top of all that Helen Hunt gets her kit off. Phwoar! (BFF is trying to court the ‘lad’, ‘bloke’ or ‘twat’ market at the moment.) My lemon is being flung in terror at V/H/S, obviously. One horror film is bad enough, but eleven? Eleven, all in one go? Are you people fucking masochists?

Orange Choice: The Sessions
Ultimate Lemon: V/H/S


*Well, you don’t get more chilled out than ‘in an iron lung’. See you next week!*

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