Top 10 cinematic bakers who would have won GBBO
#10 – Some gangster or other (Some Like it Hot)Languishing in last place because Paul Hollywood would probably be snide about the filling, the gangster cake which puts paid to Spats Columbo and his posse is nevertheless a true showstopper. Nothing says ‘style AND substance’ like a white tuxedo and a tommy gun, eh?
#9 – Barbara (Black Swan)
After ten weeks of Frances’ increasingly twee designs (a soap opera cake? Shut up, Frances), we can’t help wanting something a little more earthy, more visceral. And what could be more primal and delicious than a fingerful of cake from Natalie Portman’s creepy mum? We’ve got plans for a whole new generation of Bake Off-themed glory holes, where the degenerates of Soho line up to crouch in front of a plywood screen and suck buttercream off Mary Berry’s skeletal fingers.
#8 – Jim (American Pie)Time and again the bakers have been scolded for not putting enough of themselves into their creations. Enter avant-garde baking sensation Jim Levenstein, whose unique method of finishing off a tasty apple pie ensures that his happy customers really do take away a little bit of his passion for pastry. Worst case scenario, it’s still going to be less soggy than Kimberley’s picnic pie.
#7 – Tania (District 9)Wikus’ long-suffering wife gets repeatedly sidelined in Neill Blomkamp’s cult sci-fi, but we mustn’t forget her talent for baking – it takes a truly elegant sponge to resist the force of alien vomit. Tania fans can only hope that, with her husband turned into a sort of Art Attack crustacean, she found time to develop her skills further. Cat food mousseline, anyone?
#6 – GLaDOS (Portal)
Veering away from the cinema, Portal‘s brilliantly menacing antagonist GLaDOS understands what Ruby doesn’t – half the challenge of winning over a judgmental cake-taster is talking it up in advance. Whether you’re presenting a sort of drunken shed made of chocolate or a an illusory cake that tempts your hapless victims towards their impending doom, you must never forget to be positive. And euthanise the companion cube (that’s Mel, we think).
#5 – Mrs Lovett (Sweeney Todd)With her experience fashioning tempting pies from a wide variety of… donors, Mrs Lovett would shine in the unpredictable Technical Challenges. Unexpected Charlotte Royale? All it would take is a quick trip to Monaco to pick up Princess Charlotte, and Nelly would be bringing her A game – nothing impresses the judges like unexpected chunks of the Rainier dynasty, possibly paired with candied mango.
#4 – Peeta Mellark (The Hunger Games)
The outrageously boring Peeta has a number of skills, including throwing things, painting himself to look like a forest and consistently being less attractive than Gale. HOWEVER, he saved Katniss’ life by giving her some manky, burnt, muddy bread before the events of the first book/film, thereby thrusting Jennifer Lawrence into the Hollywood stratosphere. Howard never contributed to the exposure of an Oscar-winning actress, did he? No, he didn’t – he just made everyone with ears wince.
#3 – The Merovingian (The Matrix Reloaded)Having a light touch with ground almonds is one thing, but you’re not a proper baking wizard until you can program a virtual cake that comes with a side of massive orgasms. Christopher Lambert’s gorgeously greasy rogue may be best known for harbouring vampires, werewolves and assorted programmes after their exile from the Matrix, but we’d like to see more made of his prowess in the kitchen. If only his wife fancied him more than she did Carrie-Anne Moss…
#2 – Jenna (Waitress)If you haven’t seen the much missed Adrienne Shelly’s final film, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Keri Russell’s Jenna can conjure a signature bake for any occasion, from the relatively demure Peachy Keen Tart to I Can’t Have An Affair Because It’s Wrong And I Don’t Want Earl To Kill Me Pie (hold the banana). The real question is this – how could any chef in the history of film top Jenna’s legendary pie-making prowess? Whatever’s at number one must be pretty bloody special…
#1 – Dougray Scott (Love’s Kitchen)