Top 10 Possible Plotlines of the LEGO Film
#10 – Terry Goes Building (Love)
Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman as Terry Larsson, Kristin Scott Thomas as Suzanne Jacobs and Jim Broadbent as Professor Edwin Jacobs
Middle aged Lego enthusiast Terry meets the woman of his dreams, Suzanne, at a Lego convention. She’s a divorcee who’s been hurt before and he’s got problems with social interaction and personal hygiene/space. Terry impresses Suzanne with his baking, kindness towards children/animals and shy demeanour and eventually she begins to fall for him, despite the protestations of her dad, a snooty professor. Terry proposes to Suzanne and they have a Lego-themed wedding which appears on the cover of Lego-themed magazine, LEGO Magazine.
#9 – LEGO: Legocy
Starring: Justin Timberlake as Cal Hopper, Tom Felton as Mal Foy and Terence Stamp as the voice of the computer
Cal is your average computer nerd who loves wearing glasses and science and not having girlfriends. He is so excited for the new Lego videogame that he downloads it illegally from a freaky site he’s never been on before. Cal asks his frenemy and computer hacking rival Mal over to play but as soon as they hit start they are transported into the world of the game. Soon, Cal realises that the only way to get out alive is to complete the game from the inside. But things go from bad to worse when Mal goes rogue. Eventually Cal escapes by hacking into the system and destroying the central computer. Cal never downloads anything illegally ever again.
#8 – We Bought A Lego House
Starring: Tom Cruise as Jack Washington, Elle Fanning as Sissy Washington and Michael Clarke Duncan as the estate agent
After the death of his wife in a tragic accident, Jack Washington finds his life falling apart around him. His teenage daughter Sissy is acting out and everything seems headed for disaster until Jack decides to quit his job as a professional businessman and move away to the country. Sissy and Jack go to look at their dream house – it’s perfect in every way until the estate agent lets slip that it’s actually made of Lego. Jack and Sissy decide to make a go of it in the Lego house and eventually they forget what they were ever fighting about.
#7 – Bricks
Starring: Jesse Eisenberg as Wilbur, Nicolas Cage as Dr Quentin and Ellen Page as Wilbur Jr.
Wilbur Walsh is a young man who loves two thing in life: Lego and his canary, Wilbur Jr. When Wilbur Jr dies in a tragic accident, Wilbur Sr. sets his heart on building a life size Lego world which he can retreat into (when things are made of Lego, they can’t die in tragic accidents). Wilbur’s parents decide to take Wilbur to a therapist, Dr Quentin, but it turns out he’s an alcoholic on his last legs. Against the odds, the two become fast friends and Wilbur introduces Quentin to his Lego creations. In the end they compete in and win the World Lego Championship, but just as they are collecting the trophy, Dr Quentin collapses and dies of alcohol poisoning. Wilbur gives up his obsession and begins training to become a therapist, but not before he builds a lifesize Lego version of Dr Quentin.
#6 – ZombieLegoLand
Starring: Michael Cera as Jimmy, Zach Galifianakis as Bob and Scarlett Johansson as Queen Elizabeth
Whilst on a dream trip to Legoland Windsor with his friend Bob, Jimmy discovers there has a been a zombie apocalypse in the UK. The two of them quickly lock themselves into Legoland and desperately try to fend off the attacking hordes. Matters become even more bizarre when a zombie Queen Elizabeth turns up and tries to eat them. Eventually Jimmy and Bob escape and hot air balloon their way back to the USA where they vow never to look at Lego in the same light again.
#5 – Lego Of My Heart!
Starring: Zooey Deschanel as George, Haley Joel Osment as Leslie and John Malkovich as Mr Jingles
George is a single, zany young woman who knows all the words to old movies, wears hats and works in Mr Jingles’ toy shop. Her life is turned upside down when a young man, Leslie, comes through the door one day. Leslie works as a Lego constructor and has been hired to build several elaborate Lego sets for the shop. George is frustrated by Leslie’s presence at first but soon they begin to look at each other in a new, sexy light. Leslie gets a job in Delaware and George chases him to the airport dressed as a piece of Lego. Leslie is amazed and throws himself out of the plane. After three months recovering in hospital, Leslie and George get a Lego cat together and watch some old movies.
#4 – Jurassic Park X: Rise of the Legosaurus
Starring: Gary Oldman as Professor Madd, Orlando Bloom as Franklin and Emma Stone as Melissa
A mad professor decides to build a life size dinosaur entirely out of Lego bricks. Then one night, while Professor Madd is eating dinner with his nephew Franklin, the Legosaurus is struck by lightning in a freak storm and comes to life. Professor Madd, Franklin and brilliant young science student Melissa must race against the clock to stop the Legosaurus before it destroys everything they hold dear. They manage to find the dinosaur but it turns out it had just stepped on a Lego piece that was hurting its foot. Professor Madd blows up the Legosaurus with a bazooka. Franklin and Melissa begin dating and Professor Madd begins work on his next project: a Lego hospital for starving orphans.
#3 – Lego Man
Starring: Liam Neeson as Detective Walter Kane, Ashley Judd as Gina Kane and Paul Giamatti as Dr Blood
Detective Kane is just about to retire from the force when a spate of murders across the city shocks him back into action. The killer, known to the press as “Lego Man”, targets young women, killing them and cutting them into hundreds of tiny, identical pieces. His calling card is a single red Lego brick. Kane recruits his old friend, criminologist, Lego-obsessive and heart surgeon to the stars Dr Blood to help him hunt down the killer. In the end it turns out the killer is Kane, who was haunted by a repressed childhood memory of his parents having sex on a box of Lego. Dr Blood and Kane’s wife kill Walter by pummelling him with Lego pieces and then get married.
#2 – Stuck on You 2: The Lego Years
Starring: Johnny Knoxville as Walt Tenor, Jackson Rathbone as Bob Tenor and Helen Mirren as Mom
The brothers from the first film find themselves once again conjoined – only this time they’re made of Lego! Walt struggles to continue with his acting career and lashes out at Bob. Eventually, the brothers decide to just get someone to separate them and give them individual Lego legs. The brothers part ways never to see each other again.
#1 – Claw Hans
Starring: Peter Stormare as Hans, Rumer Willis as Allie and Chace Crawford as Jesse
Thirty three years ago, local paedophile Hans Gruber (no relation) was brutally attacked by the Neighbourhood Watch. They removed his arms and in a twisted yet hilarious act, replaced them with Lego arms so he could no longer grab hold of the children. Hans disappeared that night but the story goes, if you look in the mirror and say “Lego” thirty three times, Claw Hans will appear, desperately grapple at you with his claws and then choke you. Allie and her friends think the story is just a load of baloney until Claw Hans appears and starts killing them off one by one. In the end, only Allie is left but just as Hans is about to murder her too a huge asteroid hits Earth, obliterating all life.
So unless Hollywood is just pulling our Lego, expect a film resembling one of these within the next couple of years. If you have any suggestions for a Lego-based film, write them here and/or tell your dog because the sad truth is that no one else will care.