#5 – Legs Up To Heaven

Director: Dominic Hansky
This feature-length documentary focuses on the obscure Infinite Happiness cult, which believes that the soul resides in the human legs. Cult members also believe amputees are, literally, the soulless undead, and that legs should be left fully uncovered at all times in order to glory in the work of the Creator.
Which, you’d think, might make for some interesting exploration into the nature of belief, and of standards of public decency, but instead the bulk of the film is dominated by decidedly uncharismatic cult leader Dennis Watkins’ efforts to bring legal action against prosthetics manufacturers for blasphemy.
This takes the form of long-winded email exchanges, the full text of which are displayed onscreen for excruciating lengths of time.
And whenever the ‘action’ breaks away from this digital correspondence, director Hansky’s intrusive narration, seemingly recorded whilst drunk or under the influence of powerful prescription medication, makes interpreting the accompanying images – mainly artsy, super slo-mo black and white shots of kneecaps decorated with inscrutable symbols – almost impossible.

#4 – Withnail And I And I

Director: Bruce Robinson
Starring: Richard E. Grant, Paul McGann, Damian Marley
Pointless Rastafarian sequel to the cult comedy classic, in which McGann’s character auditions for a Red Stripe commercial.

#3 – Sister Act 3: Back In The Hobbit

Director: Peter Berg
Starring: Whoopi Goldberg, Matt Dillon, Archbishop Rowan Williams
A nun (Goldberg) makes a fleeting appearance as an extra in the new Peter Jackson blockbuster The Hobbit.
She tells everyone to ‘keep an eye out’ for her, but the only screentime she receives is a fleeting glimpse of the back of her head, itself largely obscured by some kind of CGI monster or something.
She then resumes her duties as a regular, if somewhat brash, nun.

#2 – Reservoir Dogs Babies

Director: Quentin Tarantino
Starring: Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Michael Madsen, Steve Buscemi
Not featuring, as you might expect, an adorable ensemble of nattily besuited toddlers, but rather a remake of Tarantino’s own 1992 debut, reuniting the surviving members of the original cast, all of whom are dressed in nappies (and using dummies in place of cigarettes) for the duration of the film.
(Deceased actors Chris Penn (Nice Guy Eddie). Lawrence Tierney (Joe Cabot), and Eddie Bunker (Mr Blue) are replaced by Richard Griffiths, John Goodman, and Brian Dennehy respectively.)
Any of the original film’s sparkling, profanity-laden dialogue is rendered virtually incomprehensible, as the entire cast speak throughout in irritating baby babble and gurgles, whilst the viewer’s attention is drawn inexorably, during any scene involving even the slightest of physical movement, to the heaving, wobbling mounds of ageing manflesh which constantly ripple and undulate across the screen.
Even the most hardened horror gorefest aficionado will find it difficult to watch past the movie’s opening restaurant scene, as the hulking group, sat in highchairs, their sagging guts spilling over the protective arms and individual trays, smear food over their heavily stubbled faces, suck noisily on Buzz Lightyear-emblazoned plastic drinking bottles, and periodically dribble creamy beige vomit down their multitudinous chins and into the crevices and valleys of their pendulous, distended manbreasts.
The film’s true lowlight comes, however, in the form of director Tarantino, who shows a deep, disgusting and literal commitment to character in his role as Mr Brown.

#1 – Dude, Where’s My Entire Self?

Director: Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring: Brian Dennehy, Paul Hogan
Drama in which two men swap bodies, but it turns out everyone is just humouring them.

Other films to avoid in 2012: Lily Allen Vs Predator, The Clock That Time Forgot, Clam Night 3D

What will you be avoiding this year? Let us know below!