#5 – Christian Bale (Attacking his mum)

Everyone remembers nutty Christian Bale and the time he had a good old shout at someone on the set of Terminator: Salvation. Isn’t he nutty? But we seem to have quietly agreed not to talk about that time he was arrested for allegedly beating up his mum and sister in a hotel room, just after he’d put on five stone of muscle for The Dark Knight and was about as well equipped as any man living to whale on two women, one of them in late middle age. That was in 2008; he hasn’t spoken to them since. Oh, Chris, you wacky old thing! Yep.

#4 – Arnon Milcham (Selling massive guns)

A couple of days ago, Fight Club producer Arnon Milcham gleefully revealed that as a young man he not only served as an Israeli secret agent but brokered arms deals in the Middle East. This isn’t the place to get into a debate about Israel (Mel Gibson’s a bit farther down this list, and nobody wants to look like they’re discussing Israel with Mel), but it’s not really a strain to say that arms dealers are, generally, not people you want to invite to your Christmas party. Just look at Lord of War – the best thing about Nicolas Cage’s character was that his little brother was Jared Leto, and he didn’t even make it to the last act.

#3 – Snoop Dogg (Straight up smoking someone)

Hey you guys, remember when Snoop Dogg was on trial for shooting that guy? Admittedly, he was driving the car that held the gunman rather than squeezing the trigger himself, but he definitely went on trial for murder. At Best For Film, none of us have ever even been on trial for manslaughter. Or death by dangerous driving. Or anything, actually. That’s how we know that murder is serious. Snoop was eventually acquitted, probably because his label brought Tupac and MC Hammer down to to the courtroom to campaign for him; in many ways, Peter Sutcliffe’s first mistake was failing to cultivate the acquaintance of high-profile West Coast rappers.

#2 – Mel Gibson (Slagging off the whole world)

It’s hard to know where to start with Mel, so we’ll keep things simple and stick to the time he called that policewoman “sugartits” while claiming the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world (hi Arnon), and then the time he called his girlfriend and said it would be her fault if she were “raped by a pack of n*ggers”. Doesn’t matter how many times Robert Downey Jr gets mushy about you at awards ceremonies, mate, you’re staying out in the cold.

#1 – Mark Wahlberg (pretty much everything)

Marky Mark, lovely Marky Mark… surely he hasn’t done anything wrong? Maybe a bit of dealing back in the day, maybe going equipped, but if you’re a rapper – particularly an awful white rapper – you need to look dangerous. Right? Wrong. Before he hit the big time, Wahlberg’s exploits included: throwing racial epithets AND ALSO STONES at black children, breaking some guy’s jaw, beating a Vietnamese man unconscious, in the street, with a plank, while shouting “Vietnam f*cking sh*t” and BLINDING ANOTHER MAN IN ONE EYE (ironically, given that this is an article about perspective, permanently robbing him of his depth perception). The chap with the eyepatch was also Vietnamese; we’ve not yet worked out whether Boston is full of émigrés from HCMC or if Marky Mark just has a nose for them. And, obviously, a heart full of race hate.

Feeling a little bit better about Nigella’s alleged drug use now? Thought so. Anyway, anybody who invented the caramel croissant pudding can take whatever they like with our blessing. #teamnigella