Top 5 reasons the Wonder Woman news is awful

Posted by On December 05, 2013 0 Comment

#5 – There’s no room for Wonder Woman in Batman vs. Superman

Two of the best known superheroes in the world – perhaps the two best known superheroes in the world – are about to go up against each other onscreen for the first time. Flinging Wonder Woman into the mix basically guarantees that she won’t get her fair share of attention – and that’s before we even address the rumours about the Flash and Nightwing being onboard as well. If you want to make a Justice League of America movie, DC, then make one – don’t try to sneak it in under the radar. Think Black Widow got a bum deal in Iron Man 2? It was be nothing compared to how badly Wonder Woman will be used in Batman vs. Superman.

 

#4 – Actually, there’s no room for her in the twenty-first century

Generally speaking, comic book heroes from the Golden Age need a pretty substantial rewrite before they’re palatable to modern movie-going audiences. If you’ve been reading Wonder Woman comics for forty years then you’re probably happy with utter nonsense like the No-Fibs Noose, but – particularly in the DC universe, which is currently magic-free even if it does have the odd alien – that sort of gimmick simply won’t fly. Not unlike her stupid invisible aeroplane. And journeying from her weird little lesbian kibbutz to spread peace and love around the world might have worked as a motivation in nineteen fifty-whatever, but now? Now, with terrorists and global warming and everything going to hell in a handcart? We’d rather watch Jonah Hex again, and that’s something nobody should ever say or think.

 

#3 – Gal Gadot is all wrong for the role

We’re sure Gal Gadot is a lovely person, and we’re envious of her knowing The Rock personally, but she’s obviously a dreadful choice for Wonder Woman. Lithe and sinewy is all very well – Anne Hathaway made it work in The Dark Knight Rises – but there’s a subtle difference between being slim because you spend all your spare calories robbing banks and being skinny because you’re literally Miss Israel. And furthermore, she’s in no way a proper actress – she’s made even fewer films than Zack Snyder, and pretty much all of them are dreadful. Managing to do a Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and go from eye candy to nearly-leading-woman is all very well, but not only does Gadot look like she’ll snap under the weight of Wonder Woman’s girdle, there’s no way she’s got the acting chops to face off against Ben Affleck (and, to a lesser extent, Henry Cavill). Not that she’ll get to, obviously, because she’s being directed by a man who hates women (more on that later).

 

#2 – She deserves her own movie

DC’s spent years whingeing about how nobody wants to watch an action film starring a girl, but last time we checked Catching Fire wasn’t doing so badly. And people keep going to see Resident Evil films although they’ve been crap for, like, a decade now. The fact is, Wonder Woman could totally justify her own film (to be honest, she probably needs it to give her some context) but nobody wants to take a punt on making the damn thing, so she’ll just provide forgettable backup in Batman vs Superman and then show up in the JLA movie if a) it ever happens and b) enough people buy merchandise with Gadot’s face on it. Wonder Woman is a first-rank hero of the old school – even Bernard Black’s heard of her, and he doesn’t know the difference between Pokémon and Pac-Man. Recognise.

 

#1 – Zack Snyder can’t direct women

Sorry, have you seen Sucker Punch? How about Watchmen? Remember any chicks in 300, apart from that gurning spod Gorgo? Zack Snyder’s obsession with pulp comics and slow-motion tits have left him pathologically incapable of doing anything worthwhile with a woman onscreen, unless it’s make her strip off in a hovercraft shaped like an owl. Sucker Punch, the only one of his films to date that doesn’t ruthlessly sideline the female characters, played out like the sort of anime you can only watch if you sign something to say you definitely hope the girls being portrayed are over eighteen and consented to that tentacle (which is quite hard to do when you’re crossing your fingers with one hand and furiously whacking one out with the other). Even IF Wonder Woman was being given a film of her own, and had a proper actress playing her, which obviously won’t happen, Zack Snyder still shouldn’t be allowed within three miles of the set.

 

What do you make of the Wonder Woman casting news? Let us know below, but be warned; we’re feeling a bit fighty.

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