#5 – I need a fictional job in publishing

Bridget Jones lives alone, immediately making her richer than most people I know. According to the internet, her flat is above The Globe pub, next to Borough Market. Zone 1? Are you on crack, Hollywood? At least a pokey bedsit would keep a little finger in Plausibility Town. Instead, she has an airy flat, where you can have dinner parties without anyone balancing a plate on their knees. A quick peruse of Rightmove and some haphazard mental arithmetic puts her earnings somewhere around the £35k mark. Considering all you ever see her do is pout at her desk, WE ARE ALL IN THE WRONG INDUSTRY. For half that money, I’d still be happy to twat about in a godawful see-through top and bash out the odd press release. If she had any sense she’d move her sofa into the kitchen and sublet the extra space. She could spend the cash going on mini breaks, without being continuously patronised by a workplace lawsuit waiting to happen.

#4 – Smoking indoors is cool

In the clear, non smoke-filled light of 2013, thirty-somethings huffing away in a pub looks grubby, outdated – and totally brilliant. The smoking ban immediately gave any pre-2007 British film a huge visual vintage. I never thought something from 2001 would feel so ANCIENT. Other factors include; people over 22 choosing to get battered on neat vodka, blue plastic computer monitors, the non-ironic use of a Gabrielle song, the non-ironic, out-and-out tragedy of an animal jumper, just a general lack of irony. A simpler time. Though if anyone in my vicinity used the phrase ‘urban family’, ironically or otherwise, no court in the land would convict me for kicking them down the stairs. Also, you can’t drive a Mini to Paris in the snow, you’ll crash and die.

One component which remains utterly timeless is the use of this Artful Dodger track, which for some inexplicable reason isn’t included on the official soundtrack.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

#3 – Sexual harassment is sexy (apparently)

Bridget’s boss is Hugh Grant, which seemingly means it’s okay for him to grab her arse in the lift and stick his slimy cock in anyone he fancies. What is wrong with these people? Are they not aware of power balance? Sure, he’s meant to be a bit of a smarmy douche, but she’s THIRTY TWO YEARS OLD and she’s still acting like a teenager with a crush on her art teacher. Have some self-respect, Bridget. Which leads us to:

#2 – Bridget Jones is NOT an empowered woman

There seems to be a shorthand at play here, for ‘independent career girl’ – she has a job, a flat, and a bunch of sassy white friends who swear and smoke (one of them is gay, lol!). But she also reads self-help books, and spends a lot of time grinning and bearing it instead of telling people to remove their noses from her cervix. If a table full of ham-faced married lawyers said I should get ‘sprogged up’, someone would end up with a dessert fork through their eye. Furthermore, turning down a man is presented as some totem of empowerment. Oh sorry, a total wang in a mid-price suit deemed you good enough, and you rejected him? CRACK OUT THE ARETHA, GIRLFRIEND, we’re all so grateful for the advancement in women’s lib you just singlehandedly achieved!

#1 – It’s totally a-okay to fight in the street if you’re middle class

The plan is this: I need two guys in suits, and a stopwatch. We’ll head to Borough, and you both start brawling. I’ll stop the clock when, a) The police turn up and arrest you both, or b) One of the guys from the Greek restaurant you’re smashing up grabs a baseball bat from the kitchen and gets hella vigilante. My money’s on about forty seconds, but feel free to place bets. Who’s in?

Oh, and one thing I’d like to teach Bridget Jones:

Cooking isn’t that twatting hard.

What have you learnt from Bridge? Let us know below!