What will Kevin James do next???
Here are the ingredients for a Kevin James film:
1. Give him a normal, average-Joe name.
2. Give him an amusing job where he gets into zany scrapes
3. Throw in an actress desperate for any work whatsoever for him to riff off, maybe another actor too
4. Maybe make him fall down a lot.
What we’d really like to do is to think of your own Kevin James films, ideally with a view to getting one made. I’m sure he’s got nothing else on. Here’s a few to get you started.
Todd Mulch: Postman
Todd Mulch is just a normal postman working in small town America. His life is based on an early morning routine, which suits him because he gets to chat to the community and people say “Hi Todd!” when they see him. Everything’s going pretty swell for Todd, that is until rival postman Dan Folanski (Topher Grace) comes on the scene with the intention of stealing Todd’s route. Head postal worker Nancy Philltang (Vanessa Hudgens) decides there’s only one way to settle this – a post-off betwen Mulch and Folanski. Each of them are given the same amount of mail to deliver, the first one to complete the circuit winning the route and the respect of their peers. Will Mulch be able to hold off this cocky upstart’s competition, or are his days as a postman finally over?
Carl Jubbles: Chef
Carl Jubbles is just a normal Chef working 9-5 at the local diner, cooking up a storm in the kitchen. Whether it’s eggs over easy, Canadian bacon with maple syrup or sizzling turkey sausages, Jubbles knows everyone’s order before they come in, and the town loves him for it. Then one day, Health Inspector Jim Christmas (Frankie Muniz) arrives on the scene with a vendetta against Jubbles’ high-fat cooking, determined to get everyone to live a healthier life. There’s only one solution: Jubbles converts the Diner into a trendy Vegan café, for one week only, enlisting the help of environmental activist Lily Flowston (Tiffany Amber Thiessen) to help him fool Christmas. Will Jubbles be able to pull off this dastardly deception?
Sal Carton: Choreographer
Sal Carton is just a normal choreographer working on the dance routines for the upcoming High School Christmas Pageant, the highlight of his working year. But there’s a new headteacher (Terrence Hardiman – he played The Demon Headmaster, yeah?) in town, and he’s making cuts all over the school, particularly in dance. The only person that can save Sal’s job? Head Cheerleader Naomi Catsticks (Amanda Bynes). Catsticks petitions the student body to support Sal and allow the Christmas Pageant to go forward, but will the new headmaster allow such frivolity in his new, strict regime?
Dave Scunthorpe: Butcher
Dave Scunthorpe is just a normal butcher, chopping lamb shanks, brining brisket and mincing pork on a daily basis, enjoying his day to day life. Until one day, head of corporate Supermarket chain Food-Co Mac Squab (Seann William Scott) comes to check on Dave to let him know that a new branch of Food-Co will soon be opening in his sleepy town, threatening to take his customers and destroy his business. Inspired by his talking pet cow Mary (voiced by Kathy Griffin) Scunthorpe stages a hunger strike at the proposed site of Food-Co in protest. Will the town support their local butcher?