In this vast, unknowable, ever-changing universe there are few things which we can safely rely on to remain constant. Thus those that do, those that struggle on relentlessly, blithely ignoring the evanescent nature of human existence – taxes, the Kardashians, films which pit one mythical creature/alien/abstract concept against another in a brutal fight to the death – can only bring us joy. In recognition, then, of the grand tradition of the “something vs something else” film – and to celebrate the release of Strippers vs. Werewolves – we bring you the Top Ten Versus Films. Enjoy! But remember, whoever wins, we lose/get eaten.

Titles are important. Think about it; if you were going to eat a chocolate bar, wouldn’t you rather something delicious-sounding like a Caramel rather than a Turd? Of course you would. It’s the same with films, which is why we hate those that give away EVERYTHING in the title. Here are the 10 worst offenders, which we’ve messed with, BFF style…

Paul WS Anderson has committed the greatest act of cultural rape since Stephenie Meyer thought “Whitby and dogs are all very well, but none of it’s really sparkly enough…”. The Three Musketeers is plagiarised from so many disparate sources that I can scarcely keep up with them – unfortunately, however, Alexandre Dumas’ classic romance isn’t among them. This film is unforgivable.

The recent release of Super 8, in which [SPOILER] Joe Lamb and his little girlfriend Alice form a psychic connection with a magnetic extra-terrestrial, got me thinking about the film industry’s love of bizarre inter-species pairings. So here are some unexpectedly harmonious affinities, and some that should have banished multi-species experimentation to the top shelf.

Predator fans have been treated cruelly by its sequels. Predator 2 lost the quotable dialogue and tight pacing in a faintly ridiculous futuristic LA. Then there was the Alien vs. Predator films, whose tagline– whoever wins, we lose – may as well have been a review. So when producer Robert Rodriguez said that Predators would be to Predator what Aliens was to Alien, fans dared to hope that Predators may be the sequel they had been waiting for. So is it as good as Aliens? Inevitably no, and the weight of Rodriguez’s promise weighs heavy on a film that doesn’t know whether to break new ground or simply retread the original.

Poor old Ridley Scott. He’s spending all his time out and about promoting this new Robin Hood movie he’s made with Russell Crow, but all anyone wants to ask him about is the Alien prequel. And now he’s saying the prequel will have a sequel!