Join us as we look back on the winners and good-try-anyways of the 2011 Virgin Media Shorts Awards. There’s laughter, twists, warmed hearts and a mermaid for whatever reason. Take a look. After all, what have you got to lose except your worthless, worthless time?

With the devastating news that The Muppets will not be doling out the orders at the 2012 Academy Awards, our faith in the entire organisation has gone to pot. Should we even bother with this evening of glittery, dead-eyed back-slapping? Would we if Hugh Jackman was involved? Shall we just watch that opening number one more time? Two of our writers hash it out, or at least they will until we turn off the mics and pump up the music…

Immortals is out, and that’s as good a reason as any to get so drunk that you start calling your wedding tackle ‘Poseidon’ and telling it you’ll sacrifice a white bull to it just as soon as one trots out of the sea. Make sure you don’t substitute another bull, though, or your testicles might turn into a MInotaur. Or something. Can you tell that we’ve already started drinking?

To date we’ve have over 500,000 complaints from people frustrated by the lack of horses featured on our website. So in tenuous honour of Steven Spielberg’s upcoming horsefest War Horse, BFF and our trusty equine assistant Mr Jingles bring you the Top 10 Horse Moments in Films Not Specifically About Horses. Or, in other words, the Top 10 Horse Cameos.

To celebrate the imminent release of The British Guide To Showing Off – a marvellously mad documentary centring on the annual Alternative Miss World pageant – we reckon it’s important to remember what it is about cinematic cross-dressing that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. From Patrick Swayze to Robin Williams, from Toni Collette to Tony Curtis – we don our heels, our moustaches and our classiest bejelewed thongs and embrace the wonderful world of drag…

Yesterday the UK officially banned the ad for Dakota Fanning’s new fragrance, on the grounds that anyone who sees it will instantly have sex with a child. Smells like Nonce-sense to us. To celebrate this entirely rational decision, let’s spray on some Mysterious Girl and breathe deep the scent of Baffling Cash-Ins. Or, as we like to call them, Celebrities 4D (WITH AROMASCOPE)

How to Stop Being a Loser is out in just a few days – but how can you stop unless you know how you started? Our handy guide to Loserville, TN (population: you) will help you navigate the treacherous terrain of social acceptance without becoming a one-note joke in American Pie. Does anyone even remember the Sherminator?

History will probably remember this week as ‘that week just after We Need To Talk About Kevin came out’. Or else, ‘that week just Before Arthur Christmas came out’. Well, we’re stuck here. And frankly, they are both better names than ‘that week where we had to watch some people poo into the mouths of some other people.’ HURRAH FOR WEDNESDAY!

Hot on the heels of the really rather good Coriolanus, Gerard Butler is once again disappointing his public with the startlingly dull Machine Gun Preacher. But is there really a talented actor behind the gun-toting beardy meathead? We think so, and if you gather round closer we’ll tell you why…

In honour of the news that Jessica Chastain (a dirty American) may be taking the lead role in a biopic of Princess Diana, BFF have compiled a list of the Top 10 iconic British roles which have been snatched away by actors of other nationalities. This is one for all you xenophobes out there.