My girlfriend owes me a Bank Holiday. There were so many better things we could have done on a rare lazy Monday off work than see this shitstorm of a..

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Eight angsty teenagers decide to kill themselves together. Then someone starts murdering them. Then one of them decides to kill the others. Then the slasher who isn’t the guy who decided to kill everyone strikes again but he might be all in the goth girl’s head. Then Asher D from So Solid Crew turns up. Confused? Yeah…

Finally, Neil McCormick’s memoir has made it to the big screen! Wait, who? Oh, just some bloke who went to school with U2 who spent most of his formative years playing in a band with his brother and trying (and failing) to emulate their success.

Ah! A compelling tale of pride, jealousy and brotherly love served up with a devastating critique of record industry? Don’t count on it.

Oh my shit, it’s April! And it’s brought along not only Fools’ Days, sweet spring showers and the prospect of some chinless wonder marrying a Sloane, but also a batch of fresh and steaming new films – some promising, others less so. Stick around as we sift through this month’s cinematic offerings week by week and separate the fresh fish (FRESH FISH, Glen Coco!) from the distinctly murky tuna salad…

A Turtle’s Tale, the biography of a dismally boring chelonian who spends fifty years biffing around in the sea and then turns into John Hurt, has been billed as an adventure/thrillride/treat etc “for all the family”. Should you wish to protest this blatant lie, the Trading Standards Institute can be found here; nobody over the age of five will find any joy in Sammy’s aimless paddling, trite relationships and pious eco-preaching.

After years of lazy, pointless roles, Nicolas Cage abruptly seemed to be dragging himself back towards the light with his acclaimed performances in Bad Lieutenant and Kick-Ass. Where did it all go wrong? If Ron Perlman had any sense, he would have attacked his co-star instead of the titular baddie in this overwrought nonsense of steel, pestilence, demons and artfully tangled hair.