So. Much. Manliness. Conan has returned in this Marcus Nispel remake to avenge lost loves, roam round without the aid of clothing and most importantly, participate in a spot of horse abuse. Behold the 113 minute presentation of the gunshow.

So after a wet and blustery June and a less than tropical July, it looks like August is going to be no better. So, rather than delay the inevitable, best face facts now: that barbeque is staying in the shed, you’re not going to get a chance to wear that bikini and picnic food tastes rubbish when it’s covered in rain. However, last time we checked cinemas are all rain free! Huzzah! Here’s your pick of what’s to come next month!

Of the 598 French directors listed on Wikipedia, Jean-Pierre Jeunet is one of the few you’re more or less guaranteed to have heard of – you might not have bothered with Delicatessen, but everyone remembers that nice film with the orgasm sequence and the girl from The Da Vinci Code, don’t they? If that’s as much as you know then it’s time to fill in the gaps, and if you’re thinking “what orgasm sequence?” then there’s no time to lose – get Cheat Sheeting.

After years of lazy, pointless roles, Nicolas Cage abruptly seemed to be dragging himself back towards the light with his acclaimed performances in Bad Lieutenant and Kick-Ass. Where did it all go wrong? If Ron Perlman had any sense, he would have attacked his co-star instead of the titular baddie in this overwrought nonsense of steel, pestilence, demons and artfully tangled hair.