It’s that time of the week again; that ‘we all want to get home but we’ve agreed to write one of these every Friday – quick, someone pop to the shop for some vitriol and poorly conceived opinions!’ time of the week. Facing off this week are the two GIANTS of Best For Film, and they’re tackling perhaps the most pertinent issue of all: was Two Weeks Notice any good?

Are you going to be forced to watch something insipid, dreadful and probably excessively Katherine Heigl-based this Valentine’s Day? Stretching your grimacing muscles in preparation for the inevitable “run to the airport/run to the wedding/run to where they’re trying on clothes” scene? Fear not! We’ve come up with a foolproof strategy to get you watching absolute classics this V-day. Read on, oh those who fear the pink DVD box…

‘This is a film about a runaway train.’ The previous sentence is true, but it completely fails to capture the essential magnificence of Unstoppable so we’re going to try another sentence. ‘This is a film directed by Tony ‘Top Gun’ Scott in which Malcolm X and James T Kirk have to drive a train 80mph – in reverse – in order to chase down a half-mile long locomotive missile before it mashes an entire city.’ Yeah, that’s more like it.

Memoirs of a Geisha star Zhang Ziyi will play Mulan in an upcoming adaptation of the Chinese legend.

There was once a time when Sandra Bullock reigned supreme over the romantic comedy, but that time, as this film demonstrates, is well and truly over. This new ridiculous outing sees Bullock’s pushy book editor force her put-upon assistant to marry her to avoid deportation, and naturally (yet inexplicably) romance ensues. Even if you can put aside the formulaic stupidity, the chemistry between Reynolds and Bullock is about as poor as it gets. One to avoid unless you’re desperate.