A DARK, EXPENSIVE-LOOKING PLAIN

Camera pans across the ruins of the spaceships that were totally blown to fuck in some opening credits (plot TBC), and everything is fizzing or burning or, like, melting and stuff. Where are we? It’s difficult to say, because the story doesn’t matter. But we’re probably close to New York, because that’s where things crash in films. Our heroes are, as yet, nowhere to be seen, but something definitely blew the shit out of their spaceships a few seconds ago, so that’s 80% of the audience going home happy.

LEONARDO (Shia LaBeouf) crawls from the wreckage.

LEONARDO: This is not the landing I planned on, brothers.

RAPHAEL (Chris Pine) and DONATELLO (Chris Hemsworth) emerge against the sudden mists

RAPHAEL: What is this planet? It smells like… like… carbon.

DONATELLO: Carbon and fear, brother. A race ruined by arrogance.

LEONARDO: SILENCE, DONATELLO! You surely know better than to cast judgement over a planet we have yet to battle? We must assess our damage.

*LEONARDO presses a button and lots of expensive stuff happens, something to justify the 3D thing. Think “blip blop blip blop” noises, with a heavy side order of “SHHAKAAAA, SHHHAKUM” metallic badassery.*

RAPHAEL: What is it, Leonardo?

Long pause to give the soundtrack guys something to earn their keep on

LEONARDO: We are not alone.

Our heroes start to turn, but suddenly, from the wreckage, MICHELANGELO (Channing Tatum) appears

MICHELANGELO: Hooooly COW! Guys! GUYS! How cool was that? I don’t even… man I don’t even know what the f… what just happened there? That was TOTALLY RADICAL. Guys? GUYS! You all cool? WOW.

LEONARDO: Michelangelo, please tread carefully. We know not yet where our enemies lie in this land.

MICHELANGELO: “know not yet?” Dude, what are you talking about? That was totally crazy though, did you see those special effects? That was BLU-RAY quality explosions we were involved in there, I’d totally rip that apart in IMAX, you know?

DONATELLO: Mike, please. We need to be efficient here, we cannot let what happened affect our –

MICHELANGELO: DUDE I KNOW RIGHT, priorities! Pizza? Let’s do this!

RAPHAEL: Please, Michelangelo! We’ve JUST ARRIVED on this planet! We know not of their sources of nutrients!

MICHELANGELO: …what? You’re saying we’re not going to be able to get a decent pizza this time on a Friday?

RAPHAEL (shiftily): No… I am saying that… that we cannot know what this “pizza” is, seeing as we just arrived here. We’re aliens, remember. Aliens don’t know about pizza.

MICHELANGELO: Oh right, cool. Oh OK, that’s fine.

Our heroes begin to walk confidently and bass-drummingly through the gradually lightening air. Leonardo’s face tips cruelly towards the –

MICHELANGELO: But like, so how do we know our names and stuff?

DONATELLO: What?

MICHELANGELO: Our names, bra. We’re named after Renaissance painters, right?

DONATELLO: ….ye-es.

MICHELANGELO: So, like, on our planet is there a whole different Renaissance but with the same names? Is it like totally alternative dimension stuff or, or,

LEONARDO: SILENCE, brothers. I believe I can make out a figure, coming towards us.

DONATELLO: Seriously Mike, it’s best we don’t

MICHELANGELO: And Splinter, he’s an alien too, right? But… from a different planet? Or is he still a mutant? Because the thing is, dudes, he kind of has to be trained by Hamato Yoshi in Japan before he meets us, so…

LEONARDO (ANGRILY): OF COURSE HE’S STILL A MUTANT

RAPHAEL: What? No way, Leonardo, he’s totally an alien dude. Otherwise why bother with the whole alien thing at all, you know? We might as well all be mutants.

DONATELLO: Seriously, guys, this probably isn’t helping anyone, and I’m pretty sure

LEONARDO: WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE FAITH IN ME, your leader, like I have faith in our leader Michael Bay?

An awkward silence falls

MICHELANEGLO: Did they get Hugo Weaving for Shredder in the end?

DONATELLO: I think they offered it to The Rock

RAPHAEL: WHAT?

DONATELLO: Dude, I know

MICHELANGELO: Leo, are you hearing this?

LEONARDO is distracted by a figure emerging from the distance

LEONARDO: BROTHERS! Silence this bickering, I can see someone!

MICHELANGELO: Who, dude?

Suspenseful pause, ominous expensive smoke

MICHELANGELO: I think I preferred it when we filled our silences with slamming guitar

DONATELLO: Is that… is that…?

MICHELANGELO: If that is April I’m going to FLIP MY TURTLE-LOVING LID, guys

RAPHAEL: Why?

MICHELANGELO: DUDES! We only know April cos she works for Dr Baxter Stockman right, the scientist dude who invented the Mousers, those little robot suckers we had to fight in order to save her? If she’s coming into play, that means BAXTER has to come into play, which means that we’re going to be battling creatures that have been built ON EARTH through extremely narratively suspect circumstances.

RAPHAEL: What’s wrong with that?

MICHELANGELO: WHY MAKE US ALIENS THEN, DUDE? If they can make thousands of Mousers in a crazy scientist lair, why not use the capacity of WHAT’S ON EARTH to create us too?

DONATELLO: We can figure this out like gentlemen, let’s just quietly sit down and

LEONARDO: OH YOU ALWAYS WANT TO JUST QUIETLY SIT DOWN, DONATELLO, why don’t you go and be played by Michael Cera or something.

RAPHAEL: WOAH, DUDE!

MICHELANGELO: TOO FAR

DONATELLO: Ever since you and that Bay man met up for a chat you’ve been different, Leo, I just think –

LEONARDO: If you don’t stop this, Mr Bay will be forced to make an explosion happen so we stop thinking about this precious plot of yours

MICHELANGELO: ALL I’M SAYING is that in order for us being from another planet to be justifiable, there has to be a reason, such as a necessity to have access to LOADS of Alien Turtles or something. If we’re about to meet April, a person we ONLY KNOW through some bad guy being perfectly able to create loads of ridiculous robot antagonists using only what’s on earth, I don’t know why they bothered changing the parameters in the first place, you know? I mean sure, we could meet her some OTHER way, but then it’s like if you’re gonna move THAT far away from the original story, why not do something else entirely?

MEGAN FOX: Hi, I’m April

MICHELANGELO: I’ll be in the sewers.