It’s official – Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides has docked at the quayside of Port Underwhelming, and the fifth tedious instalment is already visible on the horizon. The franchise may be taking on water, but even so it’s worth looking back at the Golden Age of PotC and relishing what we can. And when there’s just no pleasure to be had, you can always wash away the bitter taste of Keira Knightley Doing Acting with some lovely rum…

Take one sip…

Whenever Captain Jack Sparrow runs like a girl. “Ooh, he’s so amusingly silly!” Shut up, the man’s clearly got ADD. Someone get him some Ritalin, and for God’s sake take that rum away!

Whenever William Turner is radically inept at something. Whether it’s shouting ‘Avast’, wearing a headscarf or failing to avoid getting stabbed by a giant calamaro, Will Turner’s just useless. Nice bit of method there, Orlando…

Whenever Eyeliner Happens. On anyone. At anytime. THEY’RE SURROUNDED BY SALT WATER! Whatever that shit is, it isn’t Maybelline.

Take two sips…

Whenever Johnny Depp’s try-hard Mockney accent slips into something altogether odder. You may count any instances of the word ‘savvy’ for double drinks.

Whenever Geoffrey Rush does THAT THING with his scary eyes and his monstrous nose. Didn’t Nietzsche say that when you stare into the abyss the abyss stares also into you? That.

Whenever Orlando Bloom tries really, really hard to act. Probably the best example of this is his pitifully impotent ‘let’s thump the map and shout “THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”‘ scene in Pirates 1. The poor darling, he does his best.

Take three sips…

Whenever a character has clearly been designed specifically so he or she will translate well to an action figure. Sorry, Chow Yun Fat, but you were only there for one reason; Elizabeth Swann needed a pretext to put on some sexy Asian armour.

Whenever the trained and dedicated sailors of His Majesty’s Navy are outwitted by absurd opponents. Ragtag pirates. Zombie pirates. Fishy pirates. A squid. NONE OF THEM EVEN GET A SALARY! This dynamic alone undermines the whole capitalist ethos.

Whenever a fight scene lasts for more than thirty seconds without anyone dying. Which is what, always? Given all the harmless but very high energy sparring that goes on, every pirate in the Caribbean must have a soft and untouched babyface teamed with the corded arms of the compulsive masturbator.

DOWN IT YOU LUBBER!

Whenever Captain Jack Sparrow jumps off something. Down someone else’s drink if he makes some sort of feeble meta-joke acknowledging just how fucking often he jumps off things. Drink everything in your house if he does the “day you will always remember” line.

Whenever Captain Jack Sparrow doesn’t mention rum. Because you’re a pirate, and you shit all over society’s conventions!

Whenever he does. Because he is, after all, Captain Jack Sparrow.

Have fun, and remember – these aren’t really rules, they’re more your actual… guidelines.