Top 10 fairytales that should be made into films
Have you noticed that Hollywood have been churning out fairytale films like there’s no tomorrow? Angelina Jolie is giving us Maleficent, an alternative view of Sleeping Beauty from the wicked sorceress’ POV (“she deserved it, the lazy runt”). Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton are starring in a steampunk-style version of Hansel And Gretel, complete with blood, gore and a seriously good argument for incest. Ewan McGregor and Nicholas Hoult are busting some very big heads in Jack The Giant-Slayer. And Kristen Stewart AND Lily Collins have both given us their own version of Snow White; one was violent, gritty and saw the leading lady rendered all but mute, and one had a Bollywood dance sequence.
And, with a new retelling of Cinderella in the works, it seems as if this “happily ever after” trend ain’t going away anytime soon. But it’s all a bit samey, isn’t it? Too many princesses and wicked witches, not nearly enough talking hedgehogs. So, to celebrate all things that happen ‘Once Upon A Time’, here’s the top 10 films that they SHOULD turn into films. For the good of all of us…
#10 – Hans My Hedgehog
A merchant, once upon a time, desperately wished to have a child – even if it were a hedgehog. Guess what happens next? Yup, his wife births Hans, a boy who is HALF HEDGEHOG from the waist up. He plays the bagpipes, rides about on a horseshod cockerel and forces women to strip off their clothes so that he can pierce them all over with his prickles. Like an absolute bellend.
We see this one with Chris Hemsworth as Hans (can he REALLY maintain success without his all-American good looks?) and James Cameron going special effects mental in the post-production suite.
#9 – The Robber Bride
Cannibals! Betrayal! Dismemberment! Murder! Execution! TALKING BIRDS! What could be better than a movie which encompasses all of these elements AND more, all whilst delivering the pretty sound marriage that marrying for money will always end in tears.
The story follows a young bride (we’ve got Dakota Fanning in mind for this one – she’s just so wonderfully pale and frightened looking) following her soon-to-be husband (Christian Bale is interested, apparently) to a dark and silent house in the middle of the woods. Whilst there, she witnesses him and his pals kill a young woman, chop her into pieces and eat her. Never a good sign for a new marriage.
Will Dakota Fanning ever escape Christian Bale’s murderous clutches? Will he and his friends ever be exposed as the twisted cannibalistic rapists they truly are? And what is the DEAL with that talking bird?
#8– Mary’s Child
You know what happens if you can’t afford to look after your three year old daughter? The Virgin Mary comes and takes her away (sort of like a divine social worker) and raises her in Heaven, stealing away her power of speech and kicking her out at the first sign of disobedience. As if that weren’t enough, the Virgin – played by Liv Tyler -will then continue to persecute one-time daughter Amanda Seyfried for the rest of her life, stealing away her three children and framing her for murder. Not cool Mary. Not cool.
#7 – The Owl
You know what we love here at Best For Film? Owls. We bloody LOVE owls, with their soft feathery bodies, endlessly wise eyes and gently clasping talons (check out our Top 10 Owls of Film if you don’t believe us!). So obviously, OBVIOUSLY, we want The Owl to be turned into a Hollywood sensation. Even if the story leaves a little something to be desired…
“A long time ago, an owl flew into a barn. People were terrified. One man called them all cowards and went in with a spear. It hooted at him, and he fled in terror. They finally burned down the barn to be rid of it. The end.”
We can probably pad it out with some fantastic dialogue, an environmentalist subtext or perhaps by turning it into a really insensitive metaphor for racial discrimination. Whatever happens, we want Pierce Brosnan to play the owl. Again.
#6 – The White Snake
Did you know that, if you eat a tiny portion of snake meat, you can actually understand what animals around you are saying? Us neither and THAT is all due to the fact that The White Snake hasn’t been turned into a film yet. Think Doctor Dolittle, only with a dissatisfied princess (well hello there Rachel McAdams! Bored of making Nicholas Sparks movies yet?) and a quest to rival that of Jason And The Argonauts. Minus, sadly, the mechanical owl.
#5 – The Juniper Tree
You know how we all shook our heads disapprovingly over the Wicked Stepmother’s behaviour in Cinderella? That’s nothing compared to the psychotic matriarch of The Juniper Tree (Kate Winslet, how’s about playing a bad girl for once?), who beheads her stepson and then cooks him up into a stew for the entire family to enjoy. Worse still? She convinces her daughter Marjory (Chloe Moretz, obviously) that SHE’S the one to blame for the poor boy’s death, leaving the poor girl utterly distressed and sobbing over his bones for years to come.
Cue an impromptu burial under a juniper tree, a prophetic bird and a heavy dose (literally) of well-deserved revenge. This one is a surefire blockbuster hit!
#4 – Bearskin
A really attractive man makes a lukewarm deal with the Devil which sees him promise not to cut his hair, clip his nails, bathe or pray (PRAY?) for seven years. My god. However, despite the obvious lack of hygiene, he finds himself rewarded with limitless money AND a bride. Yup, he uses his cash to bag himself a wife – the youngest of three sisters and the only one of the trio not to run away from bearskin in disgust. Poor lad. Cue him returning at the end of seven years looking ultra-dapper for the wedding and the two older sisters committing suicide (no, really) when they realise what a sexy beast they missed out on.
We’re thinking Ryan Gosling and the Olsen sisters for this one – that’s Mary-Kate, Ashley and Elizabeth. Guess which one we’re going to let live…
#3 – The Little Mermaid
Don’t even THINK about citing the Disney version at us – we want the hardcore Hans Christian Andersen story done justice on the big screen. Which means that our swimming nymph (swymph?) is subjected to agonising ‘oh my god, please let me die’ pain when she grows legs AND feels like she is walking on sharp swords hard enough to make her bleed every single time she takes a step. No wonder the prince doesn’t want to marry her. No wonder she kills herself at the end. No wonder Anne Hathaway, who showed us how good she can do desolation in Les Mis, is the only girl for the role.
Cue overwhelming success at the 2014 Oscars…
#2 – The Wild Swans
This one’s a total beaut. Elisa (Jennifer Lawrence) is forced to sew eleven shirts from the leaves of painful nettles, without ever uttering a word, in order to transform her brothers (casually flying around the place as swans) back into humans. We guess all families have their problems. But, obviously, things get far worse when a bigoted Archbishop (Jeremy Irons!) condemns the mute girl to death for witchcraft. Will she EVER finish those shirts in time? Or will Jennifer Lawrence, so very good at acting with her face, be burned at the stake?
We guess you’ll have to watch the never-to-be-made movie to find out, won’t ya?
#1 – Bluebeard
…and, just to make it even MORE amazing, we’re talking the Charles Dickens version of the classic fairytale. Think ‘curiosity killed the cat’, only more along the lines of ‘curiosity killed the innocent wife of a notorious serial killer’. In this version, Bluebeard cannibalises each wife a month after marriage, leaving their remains in a small room at the bottom of the castle – but he still sees fit to hand the key to each new wife and insist she NEVER EVER GOES IN THERE. Foolish man.
Old Blue (Sean Connery, ya busy?) meets his demise after one of his many sisters-in-law marries him under a different name and consumes a deadly poison just before he devours her. Killing herself, yes, but also him with her. So noble. So very, very noble. We commend you, probably Emma Thompson character.