Top 10 Most Inappropriate Games For Children (As Seen In Film)
Have you heard about The Hunger Games, due to be the next big thing at cinemas across the UK? It’s all about a world where, each year, young representatives are selected by lottery to participate in The Hunger Games… a little like the Goblet of Fire, in a way. Part entertainment, part brutal intimidation of the subjugated districts, the televised games are broadcast live as the 24 participants are forced to kill their competitors. So, erm, a bit like Battle Royale then?
To celebrate this oh-so-original concept of games turning deadly, we’ve decided to look over the Top 10 Most Inappropriate Games For Children (As Seen In Film).
#10 – Hide And Seek
As seen in: Hide And Seek
“Come out, come out, wherever you are…”
If you’re a prominent child star (a la Dakota Fanning) in the horror movie, there are two things you should steer clear of. Firstly, imaginary friends. Imaginary friends, in horror films, are very bad news; whether you’re schizophrenic, possessed or being bullied by a ghost, it’s only going to end badly. Secondly, Hide and Seek is THE worst game to embark on in a potentially haunted house. Trust us…
#9 – Amateur film-making
As seen in: Super 8
“Stop talking about production value, the Air Force is going to kill us.”
This one’s easy; all you need is a group of friends, a video camera and an alien-induced disaster. The last one can be tricky to come by but, if you hang around in an isolated railway station, we’ve heard they just fall right into your lap. If you’re really clever, and angle your camera JUST right, you can capture some incriminating evidence on film. Which means that you and your best buddies can have fun dodging the wrath of the United States Air Force. Hurray!
#8 – A Jolly Old Song And Dance
As seen in: Oliver
“Everything’s clear, attack the rear… get in and pick-a-pocket or two.”
Any game which advises you to ‘attack the rear’ isn’t going to turn out well. Oh, it all starts off just fine; a bit of a sing-along, a tug on old Fagin’s special handkerchief, some underage drinking. But then it ends with a tribunal, a dead prostitute and an impromptu hanging. Does that sound fun to you? It does, does it? What-EVER, Patrick Bateman Jr.
#7 – Jumanji
As seen in: Jumanji
“I’ve seen things you’ve only seen in your nightmares. Things you can’t even imagine. Things you can’t even see.”
It’s always risky when you opt for the boardgame that teleports the danger of the jungle into your sweet all-American town, but, so long as Robin Williams is on standby, this one can be hilarious as well as deadly. So what if there’s monkeys on motorcycles, spiders the size of dogs and a stampede tearing through the hallway? You’ve got the guy from the Dead Poet’s Society; he can do anything. Oh Captain, oh my Captain!
#6 – Lost And Found
As seen in: Coraline
“Challenge her, then. She may not play fair, but she won’t refuse. She’s got a *thing* for games…”
If we could give all children and tweens one piece of advice, it would be this; never trust a woman with buttons for eyes. Coraline almost has her life eaten up by the formidable Other Mother when she clambers through a tiny door and falls into a seemingly wonderful alternate reality of her own life. You know how it is; one minute you’re drinking a mango milkshake, the next you’re trying to outwit a mechanical spider made out of needles. And she has your parents as bartering chips…
#5 – Gardening Fun
As seen in: The Addams Family
“Wake the dead!”
You have to dig in this game, because digging is half the fun. All you need is a spade, a graveyard, a mentally-disturbed uncle (hey, we’ve ALL got one of those!) and a gothic ensemble. Got all that? Perfect. Off you go then! Try not to get any soil on the carpet when you come back in. And keep members of the undead on the back porch, for the love of god!
#4 – Playing Detectives
As seen in: The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas
“I think, Bruno, if you ever found a nice Jew, you would be the best explorer in the world.”
Playing detectives is always fun, but it has a tendency to get dull very quickly. And, sure, dressing up as a Holocaust victim and sneaking into Auschwitz may SEEM like a fun way to add some zing to the occasion, but it can only end badly, can’t it? Exactly. Step away from the striped pyjamas.
#3 – Make-believe
As seen in:The Bridge To Terabithia
“Just close your eyes, but keep your mind wide open.”
The woods outside Jess and Leslie’s homes are the perfect spot for creating Terabithia, a magical kingdom fresh outta their brains. Yeah. It’s nice. Enchanting, some might say. Imaginative play is the BEST kind of game, after all. So what if their newfound domain is only accessible via rope swing? And via rope swing swing over a potentially dangerous creek, no less? Nothing could possibly go wrong with th… oh. Well, THAT sucks.
#2 – Fight To The Death
As seen in: Harry Potter And the Goblet Of Fire
“Eternal glory! That’s what awaits the student who wins The Triwizard Tournament, but to this that student must survive three tasks. Three EXTREMELY DANGEROUS tasks.”
No matter how dangerous the game is, or how many dragons you might find yourself slaying, there’s always something exciting about a Triwizard Tournament. Maybe it’s to do with the fact that only ONE person is selected to represent each school? Yeah; eternal fame, glory and respect. Sure, you could die. Sure, you could find yourself being horrifically bullied. Sure, you might lose your best friend ever-ever. SURE, if your name is Harry Potter, things might not go so smoothly (do they ever, Potter?). But, gasping grindylows, it’ll be worth it! Maybe. If Voldemort doesn’t, you know, turn up and Avada Kedavra the shit outta everyone. Again.
#1 – Fight To The Death Again. But Much Worse
As seen in: Battle Royale
“So today’s lesson is, you kill each other off till there’s only one left.”
Just like The Hunger Games, Battle Royale is all about an involuntary fight to the death. Everybody LOVES a good old fight to the death, don’t they? If you want to recreate this game with your friends, you’ll need an island cut off from the rest of the world, 42 teenagers, a bag of supplies each, heavy surveillance and one self-exploding collar each. Yeah; those things’ll blow up if anyone attempts to sit the games out like a bloody pansy. Enjoy!
Note: The staff at Best For Film do not condone the re-enactment of Japanese thriller film, Battle Royale. Unless it’s, like, really bad-ass.