Top 5 star-crossed couples who deserved everything they got
#5 – Romeo and JulietLong before becoming the most filmed story of all time, Romeo and Juliet’s whirlwind romance across a divide of warring families found its place in the annals of literature as the most heart-rending, ill-fated tryst imaginable. In truth, they were the world’s first, and worst, emo teenage whingebags. They’d known each other for about half an hour – if they’d held on a bit, they probably could have run off together, but these daft planks decided hitting the poison was a better plan, because WAAH HE’S SO DREAMY I COULD DIE. Stupid, impatient, hormone-riddled, overdramatic twats.
#4 – Like CrazyGeography isn’t just the subject of my worst GCSE grade, but also a textbook bringer of relationship doom. No more so than in Drake Doremus’ sweetly instagrammed transatlantic angst-fest Like Crazy. Somehow, even though the whole mess could have been avoided simply by Felicity Jones GOING HOME FOR A BIT AND SEEING HIM IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS, you still root for these two to sort it the hell out. It’s also the only time in film history you’ll actively want someone to dump Jennifer Lawrence. The only real question is – what, actually, are the chances of two successive boyfriends giving you a chair as a present?
#3 – TitanicNot so much star-crossed as vast, deathly iceberg-crossed, Jack and Rose are another example of the posh bird/common scamp narrative. Think The Notebook, Lady and the Tramp, Aladdin – in fact, ALL DISNEY EVER. Why is it always this way round? Does the idea of some dapper gent getting his rocks off with a loudmouthed wench not appeal? Okay, so there’s Pretty Woman and My Fair Lady, but they were being respectively rescued/retrained, which isn’t so hot.
Back on the boat, Winslet uses DiCaprio to quite literally get in touch with the common man, in the sweatiest car ever filmed. After a minor boating incident, she breathily promises not to let him go, shortly before DOING EXACTLY THAT, unceremoniously dumping his frozen corpse into the Atlantic, and proceeding to never mention him to anyone she meets for the next eighty years. Charming.
A decade later, Kate and Leo reunited for Revolutionary Road, playing a couple trying to sustain their relationship despite living inside the world’s most depressing screenplay.
#2 – Robin HoodAgain, we find our lovers strung across the battlegrounds of class war. Our hero isn’t just a cocksure commoner, but a wanted criminal, making him all the more appealing. Disney upped the adversity by turning the young lovers into vicious woodland creatures, made to wear silly old-fashioned clothes and walk on their hind legs. Marian somehow resists brutally ripping apart that fat chicken who’s always hanging around (does Clucky have a death wish!?), just long enough for Robin to cart her off and forcibly copulate with her in a burrow for days, until she’s impregnated with nine squealing cubs, a couple of which won’t make it through the winter. If that’s not love against the odds, I don’t know what is.
#1 – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless MindLook, I’ve known some girls get up to some cray cray relationship shenanigans in my time. For the most part, boys go for it anyway, ignoring all evidence that the girl is mad as a box of cats. You have to sit and watch and hope for the best. But if someone MEDICALLY ERASES YOU FROM THEIR MEMORY and you still kind of want to go for dim sum with them, you deserve all the emotional trauma you’ve got coming. Not only that, but half the wooing takes place INSIDE JIM CARREY, stuff keeps disappearing into thin air, and Elijah Wood won’t stop hanging about like a creepy mega-perv. No wonder by the end, we don’t know if we want them to be together. (Spoiler: We do, we really really do).
Honourable Mention – TwilightA small consolation prize goes to Twilight’s Edward and Bella, for presenting as star-crossed lovers, rather than the horribly abusive relationship they actually are. *Golf clap*