So, apparently the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is still happening and wasn’t just an elaborate bondage-filled hoax. Dakota Johnson has been cast as Anastasia, the one who spends the entire film getting ram-rodded up the wazz and getting all Hollandaisey over Asparagus (Genuinely, there’s a bit in the book where she talks about eating Asparagus erotically — green, flimsy, winged Asparagus, if they haven’t kept that in then more fool them).

The casting of Dakota Johnson is somewhat of a step down from other names linked to the role in the past — Kirsten Dunst and Felicity Jones were both mooted, but presumably both decided they didn’t want to ruin their careers. Dakota Johnson is, apparently, not as fussed, although she has appeared in some decent fare to date, picking up small roles in The Social Network and 21 Jump Street, as well as appearing in The (American) Office, in which she played a character called Dakota, because she couldn’t be arsed to remember another name.

Meanwhile, tooling up as stealth-donged clunge-destroyer Christian Grey is Charlie Hunnam, who in his last role manned a giant robot and fought off lizards that burst out of a dimensional rift in Pacific Rim. You need literally no help from me here in terms of innuendo making — you’ve got everything you need. I’d focus on the lizards bursting from the dimensional rift as the central image though, because you know everyone else is going to go for Rim, and hey that’s fine, good on ’em, but be a bit original eh?

So, annoyingly, we’ll probably be getting more information about this film which is bound to be total gack. Who even cares anymore? There’s not even any posters on the tube for the books now, and surely everyone’s copies are festering spunkily in the bottom of some God awful roadside bargain bin, hoping that the petrol fumes will cause some inhuman monster to evolve between the chapter where Anastasia decides she likes anal and the one where she’s getting empowered by being smacked in the face with a marrow-girthed dildo.

Could be worse, Dakota Fanning could have been cast, can you imagine? Grim.