Well, it was quite the evening. Difficult to tell which moment was the most memorable – from Ryan Seacrest getting a faceful of Kim Jong Il’s ‘ashes’ courtesy of Sacha Baron Cohen, to Angelina flashing that leg of hers, to the cast of Bridesmaids doing shots on-stage like massive Lads – the only thing we could be sure of was that poor old Harry Potter was probably going home empty-handed. And we were right.

In the end it was The Artist and Hugo that walked away with the big numbers – winning five awards apiece. The Artist snaffled the coveted Best Picture prize, as well as Best Actor for Jean duJardin, Best Director for Michel Hazanavicius, Best Original Score and Best Costume Design. Hugo picked up all the awards people don’t care about, bless it, winning Best Cinematography, Best Art Direction, Best Visual Effects, Best Sound Mixing and Best Sound Editing.

Best Actress went to Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady, a decision that would have irritated the world had it not been for the fact that it’s physically impossible to feel anything except happiness when nice things happen to Meryl Streep. Best Supporting Actress went to Octavia Spencer for her role in The Help and Best Supporting Actor went to Christopher Plummer for Beginners – making him the oldest actor to win an Oscar, at age 82. The same age as The Oscars themselves, as it happens. Best Foreign Language Film went to the brilliant A Separation, and Best Animated Feature went to Rango.

We stand by the fact that an awards ceremony that fails to honour Senna, Tyrannosaur, We Need To Talk About Kevin or Drive is at best vaguely interesting rather than particularly meaningful, but heck, what do we know? We’re just a group of experts who definitely know everything. Anyway, the rest you can figure out for yourselves with out full listings below, till next year!

BEST PICTURE

The Artist
War Horse
The Descendants
Moneyball
The Tree of Life
Midnight in Paris
The Help
Hugo
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

BEST DIRECTOR

Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life

BEST ACTOR

Demian Bichir, A Better Life
George Clooney, The Descendants
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt, Moneyball

BEST ACTRESS

Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Nick Nolte, Warrior
Christopher Plummer, Beginners

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer, The Help

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

The Artist
Bridesmaids
Margin Call
Midnight in Paris
A Separation

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

The Descendants
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

A Cat in Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss in Boots
Rango

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

A Separation
Footnote
In Darkness
Bullhead
Monsieur Lahzar

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

Pina
Hell and Back Again
If A Tree Falls: The Story of the Earth Liberation Front
Paradise Lost 3
Undefeated

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

The Artist
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
The Tree of Life
War Horse

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE

The Adventures of Tintin
The Artist
Hugo
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
War Horse

BEST ORIGINAL SONG

“Man or Muppet” from The Muppets
“Real in Rio” from Rio

BEST EDITING

The Artist
The Descendants
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Moneyball

BEST ART DIRECTION

The Artist
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
War Horse

BEST COSTUME DESIGN

Anonymous
The Artist
Hugo
Jane Eyre
W.E.

BEST MAKEUP

Albert Nobbs
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
The Iron Lady

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Hugo
Real Steel
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Transformers: Dark of the Moon

BEST SOUND MIXING

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Moneyball
Hugo
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse

BEST SOUND EDITING

Drive
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse

BEST ANIMATED SHORT

Dimanche/Sunday
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
La Luna
A Morning Stroll
Wild Life

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT
Pentecost
Raju
The Shore
Time Freak
Tuba Atlantic

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT
The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement
God Is the Bigger Elvis
Incident in New Baghdad
Saving Face
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom