PREP:

So the set-up is simple – it’s beer, beer, crime-chasing beer, some beer and more donuts than you can shake all of your beer at. Flip through your phone-book and find the one person you know will make the evening utterly, utterly horrible and INVITE THEM THE HELL ROUND. If they can be a different race to you, then that’s quite important. If you can hide a couple of almost suspiciously ornate cocktails amongst your bud-fest, please do. It’s representative of things, so many things, and will almost definitely lead to a hilarious scene in a bar with loads of hard-core bikers later. Anyway, you got Lethal Weapon to hand? LET’S DO THIS.

Take One Sip: Initial Impressions

When the key differences between the two god-damned hot-shots are defined and there aint NO WAY they’re getting along

Be sure to look out for ANY of the following:

Free-wheeling, chief-disregarding, badge-throwing, smart-talking, jive-monkeying, pistol-whipping, rampage-tearing, gun-toting, weight-lifting, gym-hitting, lady-loving, paperwork-sneering, moustache-perfecting, quip-busting, shirt-disrobing.

OR ALTERNATIVELY

Stationary-collecting, family-priding, suit-wearing, stain-avoiding, rule-abiding, shoe-polishing, car-polishing, desk-polishing, trophy-polishing, maths-aceing, punctuality-respecting, trouser-polishing, fact-hugging, protocol-humping.

By this point your partner should be saying something along the lines of “I’m not sure this is such a good idea, aren’t we missing Masterchef?” (yeah that’s right, we’re casting you as the maverick in this little saga – TAKE A BOW). Crack open another beer, throw something through the window and shout “GODAMMIT THIS AINT NEVER GOING TO WORK”

Take Two Sips: It’s Complicated

So the mission is afoot, and it’s clear to anyone that our guys aren’t the guys that should be the guys for the job. Whenever you hear the following phrases uttered, you make sure to toast to their total lack of progress:

A Chief Of Some Description: “DAMMIT, you guys don’t have the JURISDICTION”

A Woman Of Some Kind, To One Of Them, About The Other One: “Is this guy for real?”

Will Smith: “Aw HELL NAW”

Fat Policeman Who’s Only In This Scene And The Last Scene: “AHAHAHA, look at these two! What a joke! AHAHA, *insert vaguely homophobic comparison*”

Nick Nolte: “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Either Of Them: “*Extremely racist stereotype which is fine, somehow*”

Either of them: “Wait, is that what you’re wearing?”

Take Three Sips: AND NOW THE LEARNING HAPPENS

Hang on one flashy-thing toting second! Is it just me, or are these irreconcilable differences getting HELLA more reconcilable by the second? Things are turning right around for our extremely likely unlikely heroes, and no-one should be prouder than you. Drink happily (and embrace your partner – who you COULDN’T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT) when you see the following:

– A surprisingly rewarding dance-off.
– Our heroes waking up together – not in that way. Well, unless you’re watching Turner And Hooch, in which case, definitely in that way.
– A chase-scene in a beloved vehicle – so beloved, and so definitely doomed.
– The bad guys pausing only to sniff the homo-eroticism in the air.
– One’s the fish out of water, but they’re in the other one’s water, and the one who’s water it is TOTALLY STANDS UP for the fish in the wrong water, even though they’re surrounded by other fish in the right water. Still with me?
– They walk away from the explosion like absolute Gods.

DOWN IT YOU VIEWPOINT-SHIFTER!

Right now it’s fair to say that you’ll be on the entirely delicious ornate cocktails with your new best mate in the world, shaking your police-issue booty like Don Cheadle aint watching. What is there left to do, except CELEBRATE A CASE WELL CRACKED by drinking along with victory move of choice. Any of the following will do:

– He sleeps with that girl who SO was NEVER going to sleep with him
– They go their separate ways, but turn back at the last moment to nod. Such meaningful nodding.
– The Chief is forced to eat his words, HA, in your FACE CHIEF.
– Will Smith: “Oh HELL NAW”
– Just when you think it’s all over… is that their next case poking cheekily through the end credits? SEQUEL ALERT!