TAKE ONE SIP WHENEVER…

Everybody is wearing rags because, post-apocalypse, everyone’s clothes get torn real quick. Real quick.

There’s shitloads of sand everywhere because during the nuclear explosions, all the buildings and trees and cars and zoos got blitzed into a trillion tiny pieces! Now they’re all just grains of sand getting trod on by zombies and Mel Gibson.

There’s shitloads of water everywhere who knows how that happened. Tsunamis? Probably.

TAKE TWO SIPS WHENEVER…

Kevin Costner is on screen and you’re like, UGH. NOT THAT GUY AGAIN. STOP BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF APOCALYPSES YOU INTERMINABLE BORE.

Zombies OR robots are responsible. This is awful either way, but we’d choose robots because it’s not so embarrassing to be killed by a robot.

Monkeys are involved Listen, we’re not saying they’re definitely responsible but, come on. Who else has opposable thumbs around here? Just think about it.

Virus! There was a terrible virus! “We thought we were curing cancer/monkey diseases/making brains more smart but it backfired terribly! The scientist community will never play God again, especially seeing as we’re all dead from the deadly virus.”

TAKE THREE SIPS WHENEVER…

All the survivors turn on one another in a shocking turn of events. We thought that suspicious guy with the moustache and the futuristic, tiny sunglasses was totally GOOD and it turns out he was making deals with the zombie overlords this whole time!

TIME TRAVEL BIATCHES YES double points if it’s Bruce Willis.

A damned dirty ape gets its stinking paws off someone Triple shots if it’s NOT Charlton Heston.

DOWN IT FLESH-EATER

IT WAS PLANET EARTH THIS WHOLE TIME NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO What a twist guys. Did not see that coming. OH THE HUMANITY.

Are you drunk? I know I am. Now let’s all get to the bomb shelter and finish off the antifreeze before the mutated killer bees with laser faces come for us. I’ll bring the Party Rings!