Get ahead of the curve and jump on the Lena Dunham bandwagon before HBO spoils it for all the cool kids. It contains hints on how to be a YouTube sensation! And a frozen hamster. The two aren’t connected, sadly, but don’t let that stop you from enjoying this refreshingly self-aware mumblecore flick.

Do you like machine guns? Do you like Jesus? Then you’ll love Machine Gu- oh, wait. That might not actually be enough to close the deal. Let’s try again: do you like the flagrant deification of bikers with hearts of gold? Do you like Gerard Butler being utterly dull as usual? Do you like the White Messiah fable? Then you’ll love Machine Gun Preacher! That’s more like it.

Natalie Portman’s shiny new Academy Award is going to reflect an awful lot of spotlights on her over the next few years. This should be fine, of course, but it’s not ideal when the project currently in the post-Oscar glare is a distinctly average drama which she made before Black Swan and which has only just crept onto DVD. The only impossibility in Love and Other Impossible Pursuits is enjoying it.

DC obviously think that Ryan Reynolds’ muscles are enough on their own to deliver a bruising punch to Marvel; but the rest of Green Lantern isn’t as finely toned. It’s everything you expect from a superhero movie, but absolutely nothing more. And it nicked its colour scheme from The Mask!

When I was told to have a cinematic look at Europe’s capital cities, I grabbed my passport and my rusty camcorder and rushed eagerly towards Heathrow. But it turns out they just wanted me to tell you about the best films featuring those cities. Cheapskates.