Eight angsty teenagers decide to kill themselves together. Then someone starts murdering them. Then one of them decides to kill the others. Then the slasher who isn’t the guy who decided to kill everyone strikes again but he might be all in the goth girl’s head. Then Asher D from So Solid Crew turns up. Confused? Yeah…

George A. Romero, Godfather of living dead men and big, bad rep behind Night, Day and Dawn of zombie cinema is probably Deadtime Stories‘ sole draw-card, and no doubt the only thing to compel any compos mentis horror fan to suffer through its bore/gorefest ridiculousness.

Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine are the two most adorable hillbillies ever to buy a dilapidated summer home and then be attacked by a group of perky college kids who believe them to be psycho killers. Funny, touching, gruesome, quirky: if you’ve ever loved us, WATCH THIS MOVIE AND SPREAD THE LOVE.

The wait is over. The moment has finally come. A ski film starring Michael Madsen, Kellan Lutz AND Luke Goss. Well, actually the moment came three years ago, but whatever. The real question is, what is Luke Goss of Eighties band Bros fame doing in this film? And why do people have names like ‘Kellan Lutz’?

Strange, romantic, thoughtful, touching and creepy all at once, this indie oddity from first-time filmmaker Kenton Bartlett was made on a shoestring budget but – one dodgy blonde wig aside – it doesn’t show.

Mark Doherty and Dylan Moran teaming up to try and deal with a house determined to frame them for murder? Yes, please! A farce so dark it’s like a black hole put on some sunglasses because it was hungover. Hungover on Guinness.

Look, Paranormal Activity, you’re a smart, scary franchise, I know you could do better than this if you applied yourself. 1988 is not a scary year, and creepy children are seriously overdone. Supernatural horror in the heart of suburbia? Sounds brilliant. Witches? Not so much.

David R. Ellis is familiar enough with the slasher-less slasher genre, having previously directed not just one but two instalments in the Final Destination franchise. His latest offering sees a batch of very CGI sharks take over death’s killing duties, as another array of faceless teens line up for slaughter. At the end of the Night, however, maybe Ellis should have stuck with invisible killers, as the director doesn’t fare quite so well when handed a box of pixels and left to jump the shark instead.

Don’t let the name fool you; Dirty Pictures isn’t a charming piece of erotica. Sure, it MENTIONS sex, but… never mind. Instead, the film actually offers an amusing look at the life of “the godfather of ecstasy”, Alexander Shulgin.

Two American girls become separated on a biking trip through the remote backroads of rural Argentina. Cue cautionary tale slathered with a healthy ol’ dose of girl-on-girl gore? Not quite. Beyond an opening scene vaguely suggestive of electrocution, and a (more tortuous) rendition of the Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ this is, by no means, the material from which to get one’s bloodlusty jollies.