Messy, ridiculous, violent, naked and generally speaking more than a bit on fire, Drive Angry 3D is deep-fried cinema at its most deliciously insane. It never comes close to touching the knowing cool of a Tarantino or Rodriguez feature, but this adrenaline shot of pure grindhouse indulgence is stupidly satisfying all the same. Dead-Man-Revenging Nic Cage is acted off the screen by his excellent supporting cast, but to be honest, when he’s smoking, shagging, killing and growling ALL AT THE SAME TIME it’s difficult to care.

Sharktopus, yet another mindless and tacky film from B movie re-enactors the SyFy channel, is completely dreadful. No, really. Completely dreadful. You might be one of the people who likes watching shit films and laughing at how shit they are, but even so the antics of this absurd hybrid may leave you struggling to crack a smile.

Neatly bridging the gap between this year’s glut of sci-fi films and the ongoing demand for unusual teenagers who, like, can’t fit in because they’re vampires (or werewolves or gay or whatever else), I Am Number Four will certainly be popular. Michael Bay should be crucified for ruining yet another film with his stupid flashing lights, but who cares when there’s a hunky alien loose?

Ironclad sees Paul Giamatti as the megalomaniac King John, whose taking of Rochester Castle will guarantee him nationwide power. Cue lots of shouty speeches, long swords and hot oil in this historical bloodbath.

Hats off to the ambitious Ink team for creating a gloriously immersive fantasy world on a micro-budget: no mean feat for even the most skilled of film-makers. Definitely at the upper end of the indie-spectrum, there is much originality and innovation to admire this surreal tale of one man’s redemption. It’s just a shame the dialogue never quite reaches the same heights as the rest of the production values.

Award-winning creative German genius Werner Herzog invites us to enjoy an exclusive look at the Paleolithic cave paintings of the Chauvet Cave in modern France. The only director who has been granted access to one of the most significant sites of prehistoric art in the world, Cave of Forgotten Dreams literally goes where film has never gone before. Perhaps even more excitingly, Herzog and his team seem to have finally found a justifiable reason for 3D cameras; the documentary film allows us to experience these 35,000 year old paintings in their full, contoured glory.

Unknown centers around one man’s attempts to reclaim his identity. Though comparisons to Bourne Identity and Memento seem inevitable, this action thriller still manages to generate some heat.

Big Momma is back for a third joyless excursion into ‘let’s-all-laugh-at-the-silly-black-woman-because-it-doesn’t-count-as-racism’ territory, which now features a second ridiculous fat-suited goon – now with extra rapping!. I hope Martin Lawrence spends his evenings thinking about how he’d be more use to humanity as fertiliser, sobbing onto his immorally inflated bank statements.

A sweet, gentle and slightly morally ambiguous documentary about life as an Irish woman-sort, His And Hers presents its fair subjects as well-meaning, inherently good-hearted eccentrics. Which is all fine. Though it means you can’t quite shake the feeling they’d all be a lot more comfortable in the studio of Creature Comforts.

You may not think that a documentary about the 2008 banking crisis is particularly thrilling popcorn fodder. You might think that watching Russell Crowe do some exploding or Adam Sandler fall over might satiate your entertainment valves to a greater extend than watching men with ties say words like “subprime loans” and “credit default swaps”. And you’d be wrong. So wrong. Inside Job is utterly brilliant. A flabbergasting explanation of the global economic disaster, it demands your attention and frankly, if you don’t watch it I’ll be ashamed of you. Though after watching this, I’m not sure I’ve got any shame left to give.