Okay, so there are these grown ups who act like children, right? And their children, they act like grownups. And the grownups want the children to act like children like they did when they were children, and they realise that showing their children how to act like children will help them stop acting like children and start acting like grownups and oh god stop my brain hurts.

Part-Two-Of-Three syndrome can be tricky. The poor film often comes off like a not-so-glamourous assistant – the one putting in all the leg-work so that the big finish, when it comes, is devastatingly impressive. However, trilogies like LOTR, Back To The Future, Star Wars and Toy Story have all proven that the middle child can shine in their own right. So can any excuses by made for The Girl Who Played With Fire?

Even as a hardened horror fan, I sat down to watch The Human Centipede with a therapist on speed dial. I need not have worried. Yes, the film is disturbing, but ultimately The Human Centipede is a pretty lifeless creature, that neither makes you think, fear or even laugh enough for it to gain the cult status it so clearly craves.

Over the years we’ve seen plenty of comics turned into films, which normally entails lifting the characters and plot and leaving everything comic-specific behind. Fair enough. But what about a comic that’s turned into a bigger, brighter, flashier comic with, like, Michael Cera and moving bits? Edgar Wright’s extraordinary film is more fun than waking up and discovering you’re Mario.

We know, we know. You’ve got no realistic intention of seeing Piranha 3D, because it looks like it’ll be an hour and a half of breasts, gore and unconvincing CGI. But somehow, that doesn’t stop it being brilliant.

A Paris outsider seeks to hurl himself off a bridge, buckling under the weight of a debt as huge as the chip on his shoulder. His plan is foiled by a mysterious Amazonian beauty who walks around changing his life and being tall. Is the allegory behind Angel-A as heavy-handed as its title suggests?

Russians, eh? Just when you think there’s no more Hollywood mileage to be had out of their sinister accents and evil shirts, along comes Salt. With a plot straight out of a Cold War thriller, twists that don’t bear any scrutiny whatsoever and set action pieces that have been done countless times before, Salt shouldn’t be that good. So why did I enjoy it so bloody much?

If you thrilled to the charming bumblings of M Hulot and gazed spellbound at the visual feast of Belleville Rendez-vous, then brace yourself. Based on a Jacques Tati script adapted by director Sylvain Chomet, The Illusionist has the best of both directors’ vision.

Someone needs to stop Sly Stallone before he wastes any more celluloid. An overblown, overacted mess, watching The Expendables is like liquidising all your Rambo DVDs, pouring the resulting testosterone-laden gloop into a shotgun with a generous slug of protein shake, and shooting yourself in the face.

The Last Exorcism is the horror film chosen to close Frightfest 2010. The film trailer for The Last Exorcism suggests a horror mockumentary but this witty, funny and scary horror film makes for an entertaining and thought-provoking Frightfest finale.