Really? OK – Battle of the Pacific is a dreary WWII yarn sold to me by Best For Film as a ‘Martin Sheen war drama’, which is true if you take ‘Martin Sheen’ to mean ‘Daniel Baldwin’ and ‘war drama’ to mean ‘fiasco’. Running at a good two hours that feel like a bad three, I only made it to the end by turning the sound down and practicing my ukulele as I waited eagerly for the bad news from Hiroshima – and before you mount your moral high horse, just try sitting through Battle of the Pacific yourself and then tell me you don’t want to see people die.

In 2006, unofficially-crowned Worst Director of All Time Uwe Boll made an action-fantasy video-game adaptation (of the Dungeon Siege games) called In The Name Of The King. It cost $60million, starred Jason Statham and Ron Perlman, and boasted supporting turns from Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds. It made less than $14million and has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 4%. Now, six years later, he’s made a sequel. Super.

Matt Smith (yes, Doctor Who) and Eva Green (yes, Eva Green) made this in 2010. Originally called Womb, it had to be rebranded as Clone for the UK DVD release. The story of a woman who clones and gives birth to her dead boyfriend, you’d think this would be amazing sci-fi, or at least amazingly bad, but in fact it’s just a beautifully shot, but painfully dull story, lacking the gross factor, the sci-fi factor or even the moral debate about the concept of cloning factor. Matt Smith is great though.

Ball-achingly slow, utterly pointless and with a completely inexplicable ending, The Paranormal Incident is a glossy, shining example of exactly what not to do with $3million and a camera. You could have made some really nice, 1080p HD hardcore porn with that sort of budget; it probably would have been better-scripted, better-shot and better-acted than this steaming pile of puerile garbage.

A Bollywood romp around the West End, Cocktail is far more style than substance – glossy London cityscapes, an incredible soundtrack and staggeringly attractive characters abound while the Indian family dynamic, as always, lends a heartwarming core to a tale as old as time. Unfortunately, despite their best efforts, it’s impossible to ignore that Cocktail is actually completely mental.

A Tarantino-style Spanish romp which veers wildly between harrowing violence and hilarious gutter-humour, Neon Flesh is by no means a comfortable viewing experience. With a shining cast and a cracking soundtrack, this totally classless 100-minute bloodbath, against the odds, manages to strike just the right note; Neon Flesh is an unusual portrayal of poverty, parenthood and perversion that affects you far more by the end than you thought it would in the beginning.

Gospel music gets the Glee treatment in this confused and blundering Jesus-heavy musical, which sees Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton go head-to-head in a bid to see who can be called a “strong woman” the most times in an hour and fifty-five minutes. The music and the quips are great, but they’re not enough to bring salvation to this lowly sinner of a film – still, you’ll be too busy singing to care.

The director and star of Forgetting Sarah Marshall reunite for another offbeat romantic comedy designed to tug on your heartstrings, elbow your tearducts and rabbit-punch your laughter glands in equal measure. The Five-Year Engagement is perfectly watchable, but should rom-coms really be this bloody miserable?

First-time director Simon Aboud constructs an elaborately jewelled (if slightly overdone) bracelet of British cinematic talent with his debut feature Comes a Bright Day, a slightly unexpected comic romance set in the traditionally ardour-stifling confines of a heist in a jewellery store. It’s a little hectic, sure, but taken one gem at a time there’s a lot to admire.

It’s been a while since we’ve played a good game of Nicholas Sparks’ Tragic Character Tragic Death Bingo, hasn’t it? Will it be the mop-headed golden child with the violin skills and the adorable love of chess? Will it be harassed, golden mom who hasn’t been able to get back on her beloved boat since it happened? Will it be Zac Efron’s war-haunted but ever so golden Marine veteran, whose blue eyes bely the slow-motion dusty montage horrors he’s no doubt researched thoroughly? Well, two of them have got to have sex first. And thankfully for everyone mop kid is not down as The Lucky One in terms of that.