In all honesty, you might not even need to read this review; Stonehenge Apocalypse is exactly as you imagined it when you saw the SKULL IN A MUSHROOM CLOUD on its poster. Still, know thine enemy and all that…

Sharktopus, yet another mindless and tacky film from B movie re-enactors the SyFy channel, is completely dreadful. No, really. Completely dreadful. You might be one of the people who likes watching shit films and laughing at how shit they are, but even so the antics of this absurd hybrid may leave you struggling to crack a smile.

Hats off to the ambitious Ink team for creating a gloriously immersive fantasy world on a micro-budget: no mean feat for even the most skilled of film-makers. Definitely at the upper end of the indie-spectrum, there is much originality and innovation to admire this surreal tale of one man’s redemption. It’s just a shame the dialogue never quite reaches the same heights as the rest of the production values.

A touching tale about a man navigating his way through conflicting relationships, He’s My Girl is an unexpected, quietly charming and exceedingly Parisian love story. There are perhaps a few too many loose ends left hanging for it to be a truly satisfying watch, but there’s no question that this is an extremely classy alternative to your Nora Ephron-type fodder.

“A city in conflict” reads the tag line, but that doesn’t even begin to cover the violent nature of Jaffa’s Ajami neighbour hood. Ajami attempts to capture the lives of various families caught up in this lethal religious boiling pot.

D’you know what the world needs more of? Formulaic martial arts films with an unfeasibly badass female lead chasing a briefcase full of MacGuffin to an ear-rending soundtrack. Serve me up some more of that, Vietnamese film industry! Oh, you already have? Super.

Producer: “Ok, guys, I’ve had the greatest idea for our new film. So I was watching Fight Club, right, and then I saw Big Fat Gypsy Weddings with the missus, and then I saw Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus. And what did I come up with? Only City boys versus gypos in a countryside war. GET IN.”

Heavy Metal, muscles, blood, and Vinnie Jones. Oh, and tits. Lots of tits. All in slow motion.

A heavy handed portrayal of a brutal true story. Whilst it struggles to lend any real depth to some of its central characters, this offering from writer/director Cyrus Nowrasteh is a powerful depiction that sticks in the mind. Prepare for conspiracy, betrayal, guilt and one of the most horrific on-screen deaths imaginable.

Sinbad and the Minotaur is an Australian film about a mythical Arab wading into Greek legend, and it treats both cultures about as respectfully as you’d expect from a country which used to forcibly rehome Aboriginal children. Under no circumstances whatsoever should you watch it.