Disney’s Top 10 Batty Babes and Bros
#10 – Aladdin, Kleptomania and Delusions of Grandeur
We realise that Aladdin is in financially dire straits in some curiously timeless part of India, but that’s no excuse to go around stealing things from hardworking taxpayers to fund a ridiculous bread habit. Add to that his irritating endorsement of a small malnourished animal, and there’s no way we could tolerate this Job Centre-allergic riff-raff claiming to be royalty. We know Kate Middleton, that luscious-haired upstart, has made everyone think they can be a princess, but not you, Aladdin. NOT YOU. Also, if you can afford that stupid One Direction haircut, you can afford some bread.
“They wanna make me Sultan. Without you, I’m just Aladdin.” QUITE.
#9 – Peter Pan, puer aeturnus + Christian Grey-itis
WHAT A LITTLE CREEPER. If you took Stanley Tucci’s murderous paedo from The Lovely Bones and whacked him in the body of a lithe young man for eternity, with limitless access to nubile women, is that not grounds for him to have his very own category in the Sex Offenders’ Register? Representative of the eternal man-child, Peter Pan’s case of puer aeturnus is the quintessential one. He goes around kidnapping children to amuse him and join his tribe of uniformed cheerleaders, all the while keeping a small subservient winged fairy around, primarily for her flight-giving capabilities and banging body. Exhibit A:
“I’ll fight you man to man, Hook!”…ha.
#8 – Aurora, Narcolepsy/Hypersomnia, indicative of Clinical Depression
Now, Aurora isn’t one of the more exciting Disney Princesses; she spends much of her film asleep. Releasing Prince Charming from the vague whiffs of necrophilia surrounding his character (we’re grateful Disney chose to ignore the bit of the original story where the Prince actually knocks her up), we cannot ignore what a lazy bint this silky-haired slumber-addict is. However, excessive sleep can be a symptom of clinical depression, which we can see being aggravated by your parents pawning you off for no definable reason at birth, some witch being out to get you (also for no actual reason) and a strange man assaulting you in the woods.
“They say if you dream of a thing more than once, it’s sure to happen!” THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD TRY, AURORA.
#7 – Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story, Delusional Disorder
Look, we really felt for Buzz. It’s always hard to come down from as serious a delusion as the one he was under, and he really just wanted to save the world. Granted, he is in a film that is the embodiment of the dreams of approximately 54.6% of all children under seven, so he exists under a rather warped reality in the first place.
“I’m Buzz Lightyear, Space Ranger, Universe Protection Unit.” …are you though, Buzz?
#6 – Alice, Alice in Wonderland, Hallucinogenic Narcotic Dependency
Rolling in at #6 purely because of her being a guaranteed good time-gal, Alice’s wonderland is clearly just the world’s most ornate LSD-trip. We appreciate druggies who are functional and fun – just look at her! Chirpsing the everloving shit out of those flowers she just met! Smoking up with a caterpillar! Having ‘tea’ with Mad Hatters and fraternising with other imagination-crapshoots that go from a Queen to a floating grin, and we would dearly love to get pissed and do some shrooms with Alice.
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn’t be, and what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?” She hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, yo.
#5 – Hercules, Hercules, God Complex (further complicated by truthful Deific status)
Hercules’ particular God complex, in which sufferers struggle to comprehend their own humanity, is further complicated by the fact that he is actually half-right. However, Zeus sensibly tries to tell him it’s about the strength in his heart, not his biceps, and the stroppy little idiot chucks his toys out the pram, (to, like Mars or something), and then gets eight endorsement deals and a pack of women to make it all better. When your dad is the king of the gods, despite putting you up for adoption, you don’t fuck around with that. You don’t go around declaring yourself a ‘zero to hero’, nor go around having people immortalise a particularly epic-sized shit of yours on the side of a vase. Dick.
“But, Father, I’ve defeated every single monster I’ve come up against. I-I’m… I’m the most famous person in all of Greece. I’m… I-I’m an action figure!” So is Robert Pattinson, Herc – and his missus just cheated on him and he’s weeping into his sparkly pillow now.
#4 – Simba, The Lion King, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder + Hallucinations + Psychotic Break + Daddy Issues
The star of The Greatest Film of our Time™ went through an awful lot; it’s the epic journey from naive little ball of ambitious fluff to an almost-Messianic saviour to a people enslaved that makes this film such a treat, but crikey, Simba doesn’t half need therapy. Whatever happy pills we’re sure Rafiki is carrying around in those coconuts, they’re not happy enough to lift Simba from the initial dark cloud of PTSD after thinking he killed his daddy, the hallucinations of aforementioned daddy in the stars and in ponds as well the brief psychotic break when he becomes a bit of a stoner with Timon and Pumbaa. We’re glad he found his way in the end, but it really did look uncertain for a bit.
“Listen, you think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life? You don’t even know what I’ve been through!” That’s it Simba, let it all out.
#3 – Tinker Bell, Peter Pan, Histrionic and Paranoid Personality Disorders
We’re briefly revisiting Peter Pan because in all honesty, he freaked us the fuck out as young’uns. Always harbouring an irrational hatred for Tinker Bell, all of a sudden, her status as the posterchild for Histrionic Personality Disorder makes everything make sense. Sufferers have a tendency towards excessive emotionality and inappropriately seductive behaviour, as well as attention-seeking patterns. This jealous little sket follows around a terribly damaged man and nearly dies trying to get his attention off that sexpot Wendy. That, and those heinous pompom slippers, are not the actions of the mentally stable.
Tinkerbell DOESN’T EVEN TALK. We don’t want to think about what she is using her mouth for instead. Ask creepazoid at #9.
#2 – Ariel, The Little Mermaid, Body Integrity Identity Disorder + Compulsive Hoarding
We were so sure that Ariel was off her rocker, we combed Wikipedia high and low, and presto, found her disease. Ariel’s got a raging case of BIID, the sufferers of which would prefer to not have the limb(s) they have. Some are sexually aroused at the sight of amputees, or believe they would be more sexually attractive to others without their hated limb. Ariel wants that tail gone, and she wants them gone NOW. So much so that she trades her lovely mezzo-soprano for legs – do you have any idea how much money 90% of today’s pop scene would have paid for those pipes, love? And that’s not even getting onto the FORKS. OMG THE FORKS.
“I’ve got gadgets and gizmos aplenty, I have whoozits and whatzis galore, you want thingamabobs? I’ve got twenty.” I don’t even have ONE thingamabob.
#1 – Belle, Beauty and the Beast, Stockholm Syndrome
For those of you who don’t know, Stockholm Syndrome is when the hostage of a captor begins to feel affection for, a protective instinct towards, and in extreme cases, even falls in love with their kidnapper. We have been led to believe that Belle is a smart girl; all those books and standing up to Jaws (the Disney version) lulls you into thinking you can let your small daughters watch this bookish feminist go. OH NO – Belle takes her tragically low self-esteem and uses it to trade herself for her father, lets a giant hairy man-beast lock her in places and tell her where she can and can’t go, lets him dress her up like some sort of living doll, send her out to get eaten by wolves, and then get pissy when she tries to make it better, and after all that gobshite, FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM AND IS REWARDED BY HIM TURNING INTO CHRIS HEMSWORTH. I ask you, what sort of message is that for our youth? Fuck that.
“He’s no monster, Gaston, *you* are!” No no, Belle.