Five Movie Matriarchs and What To Get Them This Mother’s Day
Behind every Boy Who Lived, every amnesic fish and every cursed video tape, there is a mother just trying to do good by her child. Your local cineplex contains a veritable smorgasboard of movie mothers, both good and bad, who are busy saving lives, drinking Sunny D by the bucket-load and baking their teenage sons a makeshift vagina pie. That they manage all this alongside the usual school runs, packed lunches and disapproving stares only goes to show how much of a bitch the sexually dimorphic ability to multitask actually is.
On such occasions, however, the chocolates, flowers and cutesy bear card just won’t cut it. What do you get a woman who terminates terminators, slices and dices in a yellow jumpsuit or loves Pierce Brosnan despite his lousy singing voice? You can bet your pocket-money, ironing and inevitable emotional instability that Best For Film have the answer. At least we did until she tidied it away.
Although Lily Potter is yet to have her turn in the spotlight, with most of her backstory either ditched from Warner Bros.’ adaptation of J. K. Rowling’s novels altogether or shoehorned into the final instalment due for release this July, her sacrifice in the name of maternal love has haunted the franchise from day one.
What to get her for Mother’s Day: A better agent.
Impregnated by her son’s subordinate from the future, Sarah Connor had a bit of a difficult pregnancy. When the robot indirectly responsible for the father’s death returns with a newly protective mission statement, she must watch her teenage son bond with the previous film’s would-be assassin only to be unceremoniously offed between films.
What to get her for Mother’s Day: A cure for leukemia. And death in general.
Beginning the film with a crumbling self-concept to match her decrepit hotel, by the end of Mamma Mia! Donna Sheridan is a new woman: married, daughterless (in the good way) and reunited with her nearest and dearest. With a happily ever after as nauseatingly content as that, you might find yourself at a complete loss for what to get her for Mother’s Day.
What to get her for Mother’s Day: ABBA Gold. They sang it so that your husband doesn’t have to.
Raped by Satan and manipulated into labour by her evil neighbours, Rosemary Woodhouse is to body horror what Michael Winner is to E-sure. Left to straighten her devil-baby’s bed-sheets, and mother young Adrian (Damien was taken) to health, Rosemary has until toddlerhood to avert an apocalypse.
What to get her for Mother’s Day: A sacred knife and a patch of consecrated ground.
Jason was never going to be a stable and well-adjusted member of society, not after having been hidden from the world by an overprotective mother scared of how society might react to her child’s deformities. Wrapped up in her duties as Camp Crystal Lake’s resident cook, Mrs. Voorhees – Pam to her girlfriends at the bingo – doesn’t notice her son sneak out to the lake in a bid to prove to the world that he can swim. He can’t. Outraged that the Camp staff were too busy “doing it” to notice, she grabs the nearest kitchen knife and goes to hell on their collective asses.
What to get her for Mother’s Day: A restraining order.