Fresh Perspective: movie bad guys speak out

If sellotaping books together has taught us anything, it’s that there’s always another side to the story. With the massive success of Wicked – the musical that tells The Wizard Of Oz from the Wicked Witch’s point of view, and the announcement that Disney plan to release a film about Malificent – the witch from Sleeping Beauty, it seems everyone wants to take a fresh look at an old tale. Screw the good guys, it’s all about the other side of the coin.

It’s quite a beautiful idea when you think about it. For so long these poor characters have been frozen in defeat – in drawings of darkened caves, trapped in capes, hoods and faintly green lighting, unable to do anything but cackle away their pain. Whilst we follow the tales of those who succeed, triumphantly galloping their way into shiny end credits, all the thwarted baddies can do is gather up their poisoned apples, their blackened scepters and pointy sidekicks and await another playing of their failure. Well no more! We’ve come up with a few alternate tales of our own, and believe us, it’s only a matter of time before they’re snapped up by the big screen.

Name: The Emperor
From: The Star Wars Trilogy


The Tale As We Know It

The most powerful man on the Dark Side of the force, it’s this villain that wants to eliminate all that is good, just and right in the galaxy. Along with his play-thing Darth Vader, The Emperor plans to build the Death Star, a weapon capable of destroying any planet at any time. Thankfully, the Jedi warriors we know and love do a lot of strategic flying (“Red 2! Red 2!”) and save the day. Hurled down into oblivion by his once comrade Vader, he falls to his death. Hurrah for everyone!

What You Didn’t Know

From a young age, plain old space kid Phil Philips was always in the thrall of his older brother. Phil was a simple Dark Side Janitor, sweeping up bits of dust, hair and the odd Rebel Alliance hand that came his way. But his brother Steve was going to be a Storm Trooper champion, planning to take Phil and his gammy-legged daughter with him into riches, away from this terrible world. One day however, Phil returned home to the news that Steve was dead, light-sabered in the face by a young Jedi. A Jedi by the name of Anakin Skywalker. On that day Phil swore revenge, even if it meant hanging up his broom and donning his older brother’s favourite black dressing gown. The swooshy doors would have to clean themselves from now on.

Potential Tag-line?

“What happens when you mess with the Love Side of the Force”


Name: Saruman
From: The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy

The Tale As We Know It:

The ultimate betrayer, Saruman is forced to join the evil side by Sauron, the scariest eye since Big Brother refused to cancel series 12. Promising Gandalf help and support, he lures the world’s favourite wizard to his tower, only to open up a can of beardy whoop-ass when he gets there. It’s lucky Gandalf is pretty chummy chummy with eagles, otherwise he might never have escaped. Boo, Saruman! Boo hiss!

What You Didn’t Know

Ever wondered why Saruman sounds so much like Sauron? Cos Saruman is actually Sauron’s son. Yeah! Ouch! Didn’t see that one coming, did you J.R.R? Take note, THIS is how you write stories. Sauron abandoned the wee beardy baby at the door of some handy goblins, after realizing that changing nappies when you’re a massive eye is a pain in the massive eye. Years later, as Saruman is assembling his armies to fight Sauron, a ragged old woman (“she wasn’t so sore on the old eye back in the day” – potential hilarious Sauron-ism) burst through his doors and begs him to give up the fight. When he demands who she is, she answers, in tears, “I’m your mother,”. Shit. Let’s see what you can do with that, Mr Jackson.

Potential Tag-Line?

“In the darkness, they were bound (not by a freaking ring)”

white queen

Name: The White Witch
From: The Narnia Chronicals

The Tale As We Know It

Determined to rule Narnia against the will of the natural leader Aslan, The White Witch finally comes to power through bloodshed, a goblin army and being really, really pissy. Once the queen of all Narnia, she covers the land with snow, sleet and eternal winter, banning any spring celebrations and presumably all the gritters. Only when four young warriors stumble across the land via a wardrobe do the creatures of Narnia rise together and defeat her, putting Aslan back into his roar-y place as leader.

What You Didn’t Know

Aslan totally cheated on her with a unicorn. Never mention that in the royal addresses, does he? Once scorned, poor old Witchy is left to a life of heart-break, and swears that she will one day rule Narnia in a fair and just way, free from any uni-shenanigans. But in her ascent to power, she is cursed by her jealous witchy brethren; the weather around her will always echo her feelings. As long as she suffers from a broken heart, the land will always be cold. Too ashamed to admit her curse, she tells all of Narnia that she imposed the winter. Christ this is beautiful. How could you do it Aslan, you bastard? How?

Potential tag-line?

“It was always winter… in her heart”

child ctacher

Name: The Child Catcher
From: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

The Tale As You Know It

One of the most terrifying figures in film history, The Child Catcher epitomises all that is evil in the world. In a town that hates children, he is the one chosen to lure them into his horse and cart. Under the pretence of being a sweet-shop owner, he traps them in his vehicle and then takes them to prison; a horrible cell under the castle of the king.

What You Didn’t Know

You know all those friendly, lader-hosen wearing village folk that seem all sad about their kids being carted away? Noticed all the elasticated waist-bands at all? No? Well there’s a reason that those kids need to be carted away, and it’s nothing to do with the king. It’s our old friend, cannibalism. The truth is that the Child-Catcher is the only one saving those kids from their hungry, hungry parents. Why disguise his cart as a sweet shop? Those kids aint getting any food from the parents, that’s why. It’s a harrowing tale of one man’s sacrifice for the survival of future generations. And his nose? The only thing in that god-forsaken town that can sniff out the seasoning of kid-soup. The man’s a hero.

Potential tag-line?

“Ice-cream…lollipops… salvation.”

Do you have a unsung hero to add to our tales? Which tale of mis-understanding will echo through the ages? Let us know below…

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