Friday Drinking Game #23 -James Bond
Take one sip…
Whenever a fellow viewer has a freak-out about Daniel Craig’s bonce.
Blonde Bond? A Bond with hair that isn’t DARK? TOO. MUCH. TO. COPE. WITH!
Whenever Moneypenny is clearly picturing James naked.
This happens often; keep an eye on her roving eye!
Whenever James kills an unnamed (but still evil) henchman.
Twenty no-named baddies are sent up to Jesus in Goldfinger alone, so make these very small sips.
Whenever 007 orders a Martini.
BONUS GAME: Whoever shouts “shaken, not stirred!” last has to down a Vodka shot. Take it like a man; that’s what James would do. In fact, he’d RELISH the chance to show off his drinking prowess. He’d probably lose on bloody purpose.
Take two sips…
Whenever Bond says something overwhelmingly sexist.
Not quite sure what we mean? Try this Thunderball quip for size: “Most girls just paddle around. You swim like a man.” Enough said. Two mournful sips for womankind everywhere please.
Bond: That looks like a woman’s gun.
Largo: Do you know a lot about guns, Mr. Bond?
Bond: No, but I know a little about women.
STOP DIGGING, YOU CHAUVINISTIC MOLE!
Whenever Bond says “Bond”.
Being as he always says his surname twice when forging an introduction, it will be one sip for each. Take an extra sip if you don’t feel a sudden urge to start doing this with your own name, as you clearly fail to meet sexiness quota and deserve to be taught a lesson. “The name’s Dray. Kayleigh Dray.” Man, how sexy is THAT?! Next time I’m introduced to someone new, that’s happening. It’s so happening.
Whenever someone sounds unnervingly like a Drag Queen
Pussy Galore. Honey Ryder. Mary Goodnight. Kissy Suzuki. The list is endless. It almost seems as if Ian Fleming started off by writing soft porn and was curtailed by his editor into the more acceptable world of crime and mystery.
Take three sips…
Whenever James shows some degree of real emotion.
This will probably only happen at the end of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. He cries. Can you believe that? Bond cries and, if you think about it, that’s probably why George Lazenby only did one stint as 007. Bloody woman.
Whenever the villain makes a stupid mistake.
This can be anything from building a Doomsday Device with an insanely long countdown right up to leaving Bond unattended in an ill-guarded prison cell. The villain has always HEARD of Bond (“Ah Mr Bond, I’ve been expecting you…”) and knows he’s a frikkin badass, so why doesn’t he just take 007 the hell out when he first encounters him. Gun. Bullet. Trigger. Dead. SIMPLE!
Whenever Bond adopts a ‘disguise’ and ends up looking like a big fat racist.
Don’t get it? Check out Sean Connery’s transformation into a Japanese gentleman in You Only Live Twice and then check out Gary’s terrorist disguise in Team America. A lot of fake tan, additional facial hair and slightly different clothes? Uncanny Bond, or should we call you Jeimuzu? (I spent whole hours of my day looking up that translation. HOURS!)
KNOCK IT BACK
Whenever you suspect that James Bond is, in fact, a Timelord.
How many times has he regenerated? Seven. How many times has anybody around him mentioned this? Not once. Why? Because he’s a Timelord and he has Psychic Paper, so he can trick everybody around him into going along with his dastardly time-hopping schemes. This revelation will terrify you so much that you’ll need to finish your drink in its entirety, to help you forget that, somewhere out there, Bond is floating about in a Tardis…
Do it like Bond:
What’s that you’re clutching? A lager? What the Hell is wrong with you?! James Bond is a discerning and charming individual, respected for his refined tastes and excellent knowledge of alcoholic beverages. Make like Bond and ditch the usual tipple for a Vesper’s Martini. You’ll need three measures of gin, one of vodka and half a measure of Kina Lillet. Add some ice and shake it (don’t stir it, for Christ’s sake!) until it’s ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. This will provide you with the exact same drink as Daniel Craig knocks back in Casino Royale. Awesome, huh?