First things first – put some tights on. Not only will they showcase your magnificent calves, but you’ll instantly be transported to a happier, simpler time where men were men, men wore tights and tights and drinking and men went hand in tights. Secondly, don’t bother going shopping for quality booze – grab whatever’s in the kitchen, pour into a trough of some kind and wash yourself in it. Wash with slow, greedy aplomb. Nothing says Time For Shakespeare like the faint reek of BO combined with questionable whiskey and the last of the cooking wine.

Finally, find yourself a wench and say words to her like “SILENCE YOUR GOBBING, I’VE A SONNET TO SPIN” or “YOU LOATHESOME SIREN, I RUE THE DAY I SUCCUMBED TO YOUR WANTON TENDRILS” and then chuck some body booze over her face. You’re ready now. You’re ready for Shakespeare.

Take One Sip…

When you can make a solid guess at who the long-lasting characters are by the relative fame of the actor playing them

Who’s this old bloke? Probably no-one. Is that… it’s Anthony Hopkins. If he’s going to die, it will only be because of something totally brilliant.

*BONUS DRINK: If Anthony Hopkins survives (Hint: if the DVD cover has got anyone wearing a crown, they’re all going to die.)*

Whenever the roguish arrogance of a lead character is belied by the ridiculousness of their trousers

You can laugh with your mouth open and your beard pointy all you want, Kenneth Branagh. There’s nothing so undermining as a velvet codpiece.

Whenever you’re totally, cheerfully distracted by the heaving bosoms

After all, it’s not Shakespeare unless they’re fully out.

Take two sips…

Whenever the Olde-Venicey-type setting isn’t the setting it should be, and it’s the director being well clever instead

Titus Andronicus, with a PINBALL MACHINE IN IT? Romeo and Juliet on a beach? BLACK PEOPLE ANYWHERE? Julie Taymor, Baz, you’re stone cold maniacs.

Whenever the human beings aren’t the human beings they should be, and it’s the director being well clever instead

Did no-one tell Helen Mirren that Prospero was a boy? OTHELLO IS ON A BASKETBALL TEAM? Gerard Butler as… as anything at all? That way madness lies indeed…

Whenever vital plot points have to be changed in order for it not to be a total disaster

“Yo, Juliet, I hear you’re 14? That’s cool, me too, probably.”

Take 3 sips…

Whenever proper actors show the Hollywood talent up

Look, Keanu Reeves, it’s not that you’re not an utterly compelling Don John. Really. You nailed it. It’s just, well, Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh have all the best jokes. That’s all it comes down to.

Whenever something meta and clever happens, and you feel really smug

“Did you notice that? Did you see that their guns were called “Swords”? As in, that’s the brand-name of the gun? Fuck me. That’s… that’s fucking brilliant”

*BONUS DRINK: when it hits you just how unclever it actually is. And you’re filled with a powerful, echoing self-loathing worthy of Hamlet himself. And then you say that, and then everything is a thousand times worse*

Whenever you can’t help but feel like the insults are lacking a certain je-nais-sais-quoi…

…but you’re too worried to say it in case you come across as a colossal dick-turd (As You Like It Act 3 Sc 2)

DOWN IT YOU WEEPY, SHEEP-BITING APPLE-JOHNS!

Whenever anyone’s final words are unfathomable eloquent

…and aren’t just “OW FUCK ME THAT’S RIGHT IN MY SPINE THAT IS”

Whenever any actor does some good shouting to cover the fact that they have no idea what they’re talking about

…Mel Gibson Is The Prince Of Denmark. You don’t get much more rotten than that.

Whenever Judi won the Oscar

*TIP: She always won the Oscar. *

How will you guzzle your goblet? Come, join, after all, if alcohol be the drink of love then.. then… STRAWPEDO!