Last weekend we decided to be ultra grown-up and get down and dirty with James Bond. This time round, we’re more into lions. Disney and lions. THE LION KING! What do lions drink? Rum. Lots and lots of rum (we think they like the sweet sweet sugarcane in it). So grab a bottle of ron viejo and a copy of Walt’s third highest-grossing animated film; it’s time to get properly sozzled…

Take one sip…

Whenever an animal bows nobly

Make these teensy-weensy little sips; a lot of animals do a LOT of bowing and almost all of them do so nobly. Why? They’re being ruled by an awesome lion and they’re totally cool with it. We could stand to learn a few things from the giraffe in particular; so gracious, so tall, so very very noble.

Whenever Mufasa’s voice sense shivers of delight shivering down your spine

It’s James Earl Jones. He’s not Darth Vader. His voice is HOT and deep and rolling and powerful, sans the asthmatic wheezes of his stint in Star Wars. We’re pretty sure Mufasa could say anything and it would sound overwhelmingly deep. “Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king. Remember.” WE REMEMBER, OH MIGHTY MUFASA!

Whenever Simba shows classic signs of being a commitment-phobe

Nala is definitely backing the wrong horse (or lion, as it were). He’s voiced by Ferris Bueller, king of taking days off for a start! This guy ran away from home and grew up with two care-free bachelors. It’s like the animal version of Two And A Half Men, isn’t it?

Take two sips…

When you suddenly realise that this so-called Circle Of Life ain’t so rosy

You live, you die, something else benefits from your death. End of. Two sips are necessary to calm your nerves.

Whenever you feel the tears welling up…

This film is so very sad; in the first part of the film, we explore a beautiful relationship between a father and his son. “We’ll always be together, right?” asks Simba, innocently unaware of how this sweet little line is a mere plot device propelling Daddy to certain death.

And Mufasa dies. If you cry, take two sips to ease the pain. If you don’t cry, take two sips of something strong in an attempt to melt your icy heart of stone.

Whenever a translation of The Circle Of Life chant makes you smirk.

Don’t believe me? Check this out:

Nants ingonyama bagithi baba = There comes a lion

Sithi uhhmm ingonyama = Oh yes, it’s a lion

Ingonyama Ingonyama nengw’ enamabala = It’s a lion and a tiger

Er, “it’s a lion and a tiger”, is it? This is AFRICA! Any tiger knocking about on these plains is clearly a very lost and sad individual, no doubt soon to fall victim to that vicious circle of life we keep hearing about. These sips will gently muddle your brain and make you more accepting of these oddly misinformed moments…

Take three sips…

Whenever something drastically unoriginal but wonderful happens, such as a Lion returning from beyond the grave.

To be fair, Mufasa only comes back as a ghost. Aslan, on the other hand, actually returns from the grave (because he’s Jesus).

Whenever you stumble over the words to “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

Whaddaya mean, you don’t know the words? What kind of sordid childhood did you have that deprived you from watching The Lion King at least once a day? These sips are part-mournful, part-punishment. Don’t even attempt to relish them, you dunce of all things lion-ish.

Whenever you feel an urge to respond to every criticism with a resounding ‘Hakuna Matata’.

Late for work? Hakuna matata. Forgot your anniversary? Hakuna matata. Forgot to pay child support this month? Hakuna matata. Accidentally contributed to the murder of your father? You can see where I’m going with this. Sure, it means no worries for the rest of your days and it really is a problem-free philosophy, but that doesn’t make it the right response to the real world. “Hakuna matata”, in the wrong hands, just translates to “shirking your responsibilities”. Drink up, loser.

LET OUT YOUR INNER LION AND CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Whenever you find yourself contemplating bestiality.

God, we’ve all been there. You may want Mufasa to whisper sweet-nothings in your ear with The Voice, or have a hankering for a roll around in the grass with Simba, or a strange desire to stroke Zazu’s plumage but, hey, these animals are attractive. If you were going to make it with any African critter, it’d be one of these; you’re not alone in that. It’s still frikkin weird though, so down that bottle of rum to help you forget about this shameful fetish. If you wake up behind bars, you either got caught making it with a cat or you managed to break into the lion enclosure at your local zoo. Both are bad news; on the bright side, at least it means that the hangover is the least of your worries…