Tash (will kill the next person who has had a lovely day outside):

So the thing is, I genuinely don’t think I can cope with Amanda Seyfried placing her massive, baleful bug-eyes on top of mine in Red Riding Hood. Not again. Not after Chloe. And considering we’re more than tanked up on moody-eyed monster-boys fighting over boring chicks, (TEAM NO-ONE) I don’t think I’ll be bothering. On the other hand, Scream 4 looks like genuinely brilliant, gory fun (especially now I’m all hopped up on gore after seeing Stake Land). Nice to see the old team back together, and it sounds like Craven is back on top, stabby form. The best kind of form.

Orange: Scream 4
Lemon: Red Riding Hood

John (full of child wonder, not in the bad way):

This week, my Orange is firmly Bear-shaped; Winnie the Pooh is properly back on our screens for the first time since 1977, and this time he’s got a mission! Admittedly, it’s only ‘find Eeyore a new tail and try to get some honey to eat’, but that’s not the point – his adventures simply could not be more charming. The perfect antidote, in fact, for tepid stoner nonsense Your Highness, in which Natalie Portman and James Franco play fast and loose with their hard-earned reputations; starring alongside Danny McBride should be enough to finish anyone’s career. It’s a miracle nobody’s run him over.

Orange: Winnie The Pooh
Lemon: Your Highness

Steven (a great Pooh Pooh-er of John’s unbridled joy):

Fourquels are getting a bit of bad wrap these days; rest on your laurels and you’re irrelevant, nuke the fridge by switching ancient religious relics for alien skulls and you’re accused of selling out. Scream 4 falls into the first of these two camps, serving up more of the same stabby goodness with a wicked tongue and an even wickeder knife, leaving the more contemporary stuff for the meta-post-modern characters to berate in their own time. Thankfully, as I am not an ungrateful crazy person, I found more than enough to love in Scream 4‘s excellent composition of charm and harm to leave me drooling from all the good orifices and begging for more. Winnie the Pooh, on the other hand, does little to justify it’s timely reinvention. Seriously, I’ve done longer poohs – and through a much less complimentary orifice.

Orange: Scream 4
Lemon: Winnie the Pooh

*A brief struggle ensues between John and Steven, the first of many Winnie The Pooh based attacks bound to spring up over East London. Luckily, Tash settles the debate by hitting both of them with a brick carved with the words ‘WHY AREN’T WE ALLOWED OUTSIDE?’ Normality resumes.*

Magda (whose plans are mainly archery-based)

I don’t understand what the point of any of this is, surely we all know that Fast And Furious Five comes out TOMORROW? Who cares for this flighty half-price mistress when the king of all that is really, like, fast and WELL furious will smile upon us in but 24 little hours? Vin Diesel! Ludicris! Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! They’re all there, and they’re all waiting to take you on the ride of your life. Again. But a bit more than last time. Decision made.

Orange: Fast And Furious Five
Lemon: Anything that isn’t Fast and Furious Five.

*As Magda is gently burnt for being a horrendous revolutionary, the charred smell of flesh-burning justice bonds the rest of the team together. All smiles again, just in time for Easter. Thank Goodness*