Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #45

*Now that the bitter, acidic taste of The Human Centipede 2 has finally left our mouths (and whatever our mouths were sewn to at the time), tis the moment for the BFF team to point their faces towards happier things. Sadly, this is the week Immortals shouts its way onto our screens. Ah. Just as well John’s off work…*

Stevie Neish (constant topic of conversation):

Give Johnny Depp some rum and you pretty much know what to expect: crack-pot facial expressions, an array of odd-couple bromances and a steady slew of heavily stylised witty one liners. Leaving his party-piece pirate on summer’s stagnant tides – for now, anyway – Depp returns to the comparatively sane mind of Hunter S. Thomson for another drunken bender; with The Rum Diary sparking some genuine orange-worthy shenanigans. Immortals, on the other hand, is a disappointingly sober affair, a designated driver of a film which is more likely to leave you asleep at the wheel than dancing an impossibly straight line with neon police officers. Seriously, this film wouldn’t know a good time if Mickey Rourke smashed it in the testicles with one.

Orange Choice: The Rum Diary
Ultimate Lemon: Immortals


Kayleigh (relieved to be back in a land where biscuits reign):

Oranges and lemons, sang the bells of St Clements… but, if you listen closely, they also sang about rum. Which is one of the many reasons I’m acting as a staunch advocate of The Rum Diary this week. Firstly, everybody likes rum. Secondly, everybody loves Johnny Depp. Thirdly, everybody loves Johnny Depp OVERWHELMINGLY and INFINITELY more when he’s playing an actual person, without a funny voice and funny make-up. Rum! Depp! Yes! You know what doesn’t get a yes? The Human Centipede 2. Oh sure, it’s old news that everybody hates it now but I really fancy rubbing bitter lemon juice into that obese man’s sandpapered member. It’s not even all the horrible torture porn that makes me hate this anthropomorphic arthropod of doom, it’s the fact that it’s in black and white. And it’s a sequel. And it thinks it’s IT, doesn’t it? The best thing since… since sliced bread. Sliced up mouth-to-anus will never replace the humble loaf, Tom Six, and you’d do well to think about that.

Orange Choice: Weekend
Ultimate Lemon: The Human Centipede: Full Sequence


Tash (Rage at the Cage):

I cannot believe we’ve come this far without anyone foaming at the eyes about Arthur Christmas. What’s wrong with you all? Aardman animation, Hugh Laurie, Jim Broadbent, Imelda Staunton – this has NATIONAL TREASURE written all over it. In lovely traditional British ink. Probably written with a quill. A quill that was a lovely gift. Look, fine, none of that matters, go waste your money on Immortals if you want, just for the love of all things don’t go and watch the Nic Cage hemorrhage Trespass. That melted face has never looked so ashamed – and that is saying something. Still, least we’ve got Justice next week. The next Nic Cage film, I mean. Not the actual thing. Sadly.

Orange Choice: Arthur Christmas
Ultimate Lemon: Trespass


Flo (not bitter about the Ribena. Almost definitely):

This Wednesday I will mostly be watching The Awakening, because I approve of a lot of the things it involves: Rebecca Hall, Dominic West, ghosts, child ghosts, creepy buildings, war era melodrama. I am a fan of all these things. Also the main character is called Florence so while I’m watching it I can pretend that I’m in the film. What I won’t be pretending is that I’m in The Rum Diary because if I wanted to watch Johnny Depp flouncing around drinking rum on a sandy beach I’d watch that home video I have of him at the beach. Seriously though, The Rum Diary was kind of boring and not as fun as the trailer made out. Don’t be taken in by it, for God’s sake! Anyway, it’s winter now. We should all be watching wintry films set in drafty buildings, like The Awakening.

Orange Choice: The Awakening
Ultimate Lemon: The Rum Diary


Jonny (AWOL):

I’m going to be honest, this week has not been drenched in citrus for me. Very few of the films I’ve seen have left me pulling a sour enough face to be lemons, but on the flip side there hasn’t been a tasty orange to help fight off my rapidly approaching outbreak of scurvy. So I guess I’ll chose The Awakening as my orange: it’s not perfect, but it’s got some great moments, a good atmosphere and is generally a positive sign for the Horror genre as a whole. I’m going to have to crib off of John’s test sheet for my Lemon though, since it’s got to go to Immortals and there are few arguments to make about that which weren’t covered in his rather excellent review.

Orange Choice: The Awakening
Ultimate Lemon: Immortals


DVB (sort of an uncle, hurrah!):

Well of course it’s going to be Arthur Christmas, isn’t it? There’s no point in denying Aardman. That said, there’s a veritable feast of releases to get stuck into, at least half of which are good. Of the other half, rather than plump for anything obviously shit, I’m going to avoid Wuthering Heights. This pains me more than you can believe. I have a giant stolen Fish Tank poster on my wall. But as far as I’m concerned, the only girl in recorded history who’s more of a dick than Kathy is Kaya f*cking Scodelario…

…maybe Myra Hindley. Just.

Orange Choice: Arthur Christmas
Ultimate Lemon: Wuthering Heights


So it’s a resounding YES to The Awakening and Arthur Christmas, a sympathetic chuck under the chin to The Rum Diary and a downright middle finger to Immortals and Trespass. What will you be watching tonight?

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