Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #1

Sometimes we just want to flap our mouths off about what we’re watching and what we’re not. On Wednesday. Sometimes we’d like to hear the same from you. This is one of those times.

Tash (Editrix with some mad trix):
“Cinema over this Christmas has been on the abysmal to shocking side of ball cakes. Little Fockers, Gulliver’s Travels – they are to cinema what BP is to the creamy sea otter. For my money, I’d wait it out till Friday – you’ve got The King’s Speech and Abel to feast your greasy faces on. For now, I might still be convinced by Facebook saga Catfish, or the Anne Hathaway and Gyllenhaal foolishness Love and Other Drugs, seeing as films about diseases are fun. If nothing else, just don’t be fooled by the new Russell Crowe flick. Never mind The Next Three Days, if fair was fair it’d be called The Next 4 Months – that’s how long it feels like you’re stuck with him for.”

ULTIMATE LEMON: The Next Three Days

John (enigmatic when drunk):
“For my money, there’s no cinematic treat available to you this week which could match the thrill of waiting to see The King’s Speech – it really is a tour de force. Mind you, this Friday will also see Danny Boyle’s critically acclaimed (not least by me) 127 Hours open, so you could maybe queue up a double bill of aristocratic stammering and watching a desperate man drink his own piss. Super. If neither of those appeal, consider epic road/desert flick The Way Back – we’re due another cold snap, and nothing warms the cockles of my cockles like hearing Colin Farrell attempt a Russian accent. But whatever you do, stay away from Season of the Witch. Nicholas Cage with long hair and a tabard? I think I’m going to spasm…”

ULTIMATE LEMON: Season Of The Witch

Magda (she loves those owls):
“I have no intention of being fooled by that Russell Crowe flick – he is a lovely fat-bottomed man but his lovely-bottomed pomposity is best suited to lavish epics. No countryside romances, no humour (I remember the ‘weevils’ incident) and no anything which doesn’t have Crowe in period costume or being all dour and frowsy in space. Just no.
This week I may however allow myself to be fooled – just a little bit, mind – by Chatroom. It’s a slightly silly sounding thriller about some kids that meet in a chatroom with a bit of death thrown in. Hideo Nakata also directed Dark Water and Ringu 2, though, so I’ll give it a chance…”

ULTIMATE LEMON: Anything that doesn’t play to Russell Crowe’s strengths (pomposity, fat bottom)

Papa Neish (like a smurf but stronger):

“A cinema usher by day, I personally hate Orange Wednesdays – an endless queue of cinema-goers completely at a loss for what to see. As they thrust their phones into my face, silently certain that my till is in fact a well-disguised crystal ball, I sigh heavily in anticipation of their eventual request: “Two for that Fockers one”.
No, just no. As we enter 2011 we should be leaving the unworthy behind, bettering ourselves with impossible resolutions and newly researched film choices – eager to learn from our Gulliver’s Travels shaped mistake and to finally put our hard earned money to good use. This week you have two bona-fide masterpieces to choose from, one a period drama with a welcome shot of humour and the other a harrowing tale of one man’s survival against incomprehensible odds. Both superbly acted, The King’s Speech and 127 Hours tell accessible, achingly human stories which will make you work for your happy ending. Also released this week are The Next Three Days, a place holder for something genuinely thrilling and Season of the Witch, another crack-pot fantasy that stars Nicholas Cage’s hair. Failing that, there is still time to catch the joyous Burlesque, the surprisingly affectionate Love and Other Drugs or the wonderfully epic Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I. See, spoilt for choice.”

ORANGE CHOICE: The King’s Speech
ULTIMATE LEMON: Little Fockers


“NO Papa Neish, The Next Three Days is what sick is made of! Wait, what about Tron: Legacy? YEAH! TRON: LEGACY!”

*Heavy, axe-collecting silence from all other parties*

Got a film to warn us about, or something that deserves your precious money (though only half the asking price, obviously)? Tell us, you fools!

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