Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #10

*Holy lemon curd, Batman! Spring has finally made its soft and breezy way to Best For Film Towers with the arrival of a healthy new crop of scribbly people, all sporting soft fleeces and overflowing with a passion for news, reviews, blogs about mad filmy rubbish and probably other things as well. Will any of them match the lyrical heights of the Otter? There’s only one way to find out…*


Jim (has forgotten more about metaphysics than you could ever hope to learn):
It’s 2011 and there’s a growing trend towards escapism in cinema. Luckily for you Wasteland is still showing at most good cinemas – a strong dose of reality everyone should take.On the other hand if you still insist on living in a fantasy dream land then don’t bother with The Adjustment Bureau. It’s not often I’d champion the romantic element of a sci-fi film but in this instance Matt Damon and Emily Blunt’s good chemistry is wasted on a plot that is inherently flawed. Imagine The Matrix if Agent Smith was actually the kind of guy you’d buy a pint for and you’ve pretty much got it in one.

Orange Choice: Wasteland
Ultimate Lemon: The Adjustment Bureau


Tash (had a hissy fit earlier and poured John’s tea down the sink):
Seeing as my burnt-out eyes are still recovering from the bone-explodingly glorious Drive Angry, I’m going to have to champion it for another week. Let me tell you now, on DVD this film will be the worst thing ever. Worse even than that gore-flick you realised far too late was your own birthing video. But on the big screen, in 3D, Drive Angry it is pure, gun-bending wonder. Don’t let this opportunity slip away, for all our sakes. In terms of el Lemon, it’s going to have to be The Adjustment Bureau. Emily Blunt and Matt Damon running about looking a bit annoyed for two hours? How many cars explode nakedly in that? Hardly any, I bet.

Orange Choice: Drive Angry
Ultimate Lemon: The Adjustment Bureau


Daniel (may or may not be related to Terry Eagleton):
Pick of the week is Archipelago, the shimmering, brilliant new work by British director Joanna Hogg. During its opening stages I had that sinking feeling you get when you’re watching a film and it becomes pretty apparent that NOTHING is going to happen. For two hours. In French. This, however, although by no means an easy watch, turned out to be a slow burn, drawing me in until I was hooked like a fish with a new and inconvenient piercing. On the other hand, there’s No Strings Attached starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. SURELY the only reason this didn’t go straight to DVD is because Natalie’s in Black Swan and is visibly pregnant everywhere you look these days.

Orange Choice: Archipelago
Ultimate Lemon: No Strings Attached


Alice (spent yesterday evening watching gay Germans have sex in Covent Garden):
There are several reasons why I should want to see The Tempest, such as the beautiful dialogue, post-colonial politics and feminist issues colouring the last and perhaps greatest Shakespeare play. However, I’m going to make it my orange because Queen Helen is in it and I wuv her. My lemon that maketh no lemonade would be Unknown, because it looks like a crap version of Bourne mixed with a crap version of Taken. Yawn.

Orange Choice: The Tempest
Ultimate Lemon: Unknown


*Santa Barbara! Is that Papa Neish?*

Papa Neish (eats bus timetables for kicks seven times a day, at Hobbit mealtimes):
If you only see one movie this week, even if it’s on – God forbid – a Thursday, then make it Rango, proof that you don’t need an overpriced pair of gimmicky glasses to appreciate a beautifully rendered and gloriously three dimensional lead character. If you’re determined to waste your BOGOF on embarrassingly generic, half-baked thrills, however, take your plus-one to see Unknown or The Adjustment Bureau. Liam Neeson, everyone’s favourite omnipotent lion, has another shot at playing the action hero – as unbelievably as ever – while Matt Damon trades his free-running identity crisis in for a fleeting bathroom encounter with Emily Blunt. Either way, your loss

Orange Choice: Rango
Ultimate Lemon: The Adjustment Bureau


Cherise (has single-handedly reinvented eye makeup):
If there’s one thing that can make the blasphemy of CG animation and the continued survival of the western genre forgiveable, it’s the sweet, sweet promise of Johnny Depp on screen (even if he is concealed beneath simulated chameleon facade). There’s a story in Rango somewhere, I just don’t remember it. Hell, it’s Johnny Depp. Plot lines are inconsequential. As far as acidic lemony loathing goes – and in much the same philosophically deductive manner – when Paul Giamatti attempts to play a figure of regality in Ironclad (yup, this is the very same guy of other such epics as Fred Clause and Thunderpants), plot lines are pretty much null and void. Much like any further contemplation on this God-forsaken epic shit.

Orange Choice: Rango
Ultimate Lemon: Ironclad


John (did, in fairness, tear the corner of Tash’s teabag so her tea was all bitty):
I was going to offer some sage and carefully considered arguments about the essential worthlessness of Age of the Dragons (which is still, for the record, probably the only film about dragons ever to be properly shit), but d’you know what? Fuck it. I know a bandwagon when I see one, and the one I see right now has got Emily Blunt’s flayed skin pegged to the bonnet. Down with The Adjustment Bureau! Hey, what if we started our own Bureau to adjust all the films with Adjustment Bureaus in until they were just about charming animated chameleons? Someone workshop me a name for it, I’m an ideas man.

Orange Choice: Rango
Ultimate Lemon: The Adjustment Bureau


*So! D’you reckon our gleaming newbies are smart as paint, or in dire need of another coat? Let us know below! Until next time…*

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