Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #14

*The mood is strangely split at BFF Towers: almost everyone is enjoying the beautiful (some might say deeply suspect and probably evil) weather, but John wont stop harping on about getting grass stains on his trousers. And so, with the atmosphere torn asunder, Tash spills orange juice all over him and natural order is restored*

Jim (“a mohawk is a mohawk, even if it’s made out of shit”):

SOURCE CODE. Who isn’t excited to see what Duncan Jones comes with after his near-perfect big screen directorial debut Moon? Especially now he’s got his hands on a story that Philip K. Dick would be proud of. With shades of 12 Monkeys (or La Jetée anyone?) Source Code develops a compelling and original time-bending sci-fi concept that makes Inception look hopelessly convoluted and dull. Not particularly convoluted but definitely dull is Killing Bono. Based on the memoirs of someone you probably haven’t heard of, Killing Bono tells the story of how that person wasn’t famous in the 80s. Quite why this film exists I do not know.

Orange Choice: Source Code
Ultimate Lemon: Killing Bono


P. Neish (Cannes you believe it?):

Are you mad, Jim Ducktails?! Leave Hop for Easter, Source Code for DVD and Sucker Punch for never; there is only one place you should be this Wednesday and it’s Killing Bono. While Robert Sheehan goes about being brilliant, and Ben Barnes flaps about on stage with surprising aplomb (someone received acting classes for Christmas!), you can dig into your overpriced popcorn safe in the knowledge that you’ve done cinema proud!

Orange Choice: Killing Bono
Ultimate Lemon: Sucker Punch


Alice (disgusted by a world of £1.50 cornettos):

Go see Source Code this week. It stars Jake Gyllenhaal, is directed by Duncan Jones (that guy who did Moon) and Peter Bradshaw from the Guardian gave it 5 stars. I realise the above qualifiers may be the very reasons lots of people won’t go and see it, but they are WRONG. On the other hand, Sucker Punch needs to be taken off our screens asap so that Zack Snyder can sweep it all under the carpet and get on with Superman. The guy can direct but he sure as hell cannot write.

Orange Choice: Source Code
Ultimate Lemon: Sucker Punch


Cherise (mistress and overlord of the tangled clause):

Sucker Punch sucks the big lemon this week- and I didn’t need to wait for someone else’s review to conclude this, because the trailer told me everything I needed to know: the lead is named Babydoll, her co-characters are similarly labelled in the fashion of underaged porn stars (Sweet Pea, Rocket, Blondie and Amber) and the ‘storyline’ looks little more than some tragic, sticky mess of a schoolboy fantasy. On the other hand, Hatchet II looks like it’s gonna be exactly what it professes to be. Unlike Suck ‘n Punch-Your–Own-Face-If-You-Watch-This, Hatchet II clearly harbours no grandiose delusions – there’s going to be blood, killing, and undoubtedly hatchets. And there’s nothing wrong with a little titular humility these days.

Orange Choice: Hatchet II
Ultimate Lemon: Sucker Punch


Tash (inventor of Grass Juice – “for everyone who ever wondered what grass really tastes like”):

For me, the nose-blower of the week has to be Blooded. Self-satisfied pseudo-documentary about a load of tory types getting picked off by hunters: shoddy camera-work, spine-squashingly bad acting and ham-fisted “social messages” all around. Kill a precious deer to avoid it, if you must. Instead, go see Passenger Side: a genuinely funny, touching and unassuming road movie about two brothers that includes an appearance by a dog-pimp. How often do I write the words dog-pimp? Not nearly as often as I should.

Orange Choice: Passenger Side
Ultimate Lemon: Blooded


John (soggy and creased):

Buckle up, bitches, this shit’s about to get self-referential. My Orange this week is… wait for it… Oranges and Sunshine. BOOM! That’s right, fruit in the title as well as the arbitrary judgment system! Careful you don’t burn yourself on all the meta. Seriously, though, go and see it – it isn’t cheery, but it’s a brilliant film and it’s all pretty much true – underprivileged families being broken up, Emily Watson being conflicted, all that good stuff. Still, however heart-rending it is Oranges and Sunshine won’t upset you as deeply as Hop, a sub-Roger Rabbit escapade which sees Russell Brand further squander his former counter-cultural charm on inane money-spinning tripe (this time he’s a cartoon Easter bastard of some description). Dislike.

Orange Choice: Oranges And Sunshine
Ultimate Lemon: Hop


*And with that, Source Code is officially given the Great Crown Of YAY, many cattle and a cape made from pure, excellent breasts. And Sucker Punch is left to clean up John’s pants.*

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