Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #15

*A problem with the magic box that is this so called “internet” in the BFF office has meant that our anemic, pasty band of soliders have been sent on separate pilgrimages across the known globe. Terrified by sudden independence, it’s made everyone rather cautious and annoying. Except Jim, for whom life is just one massive Mars-Needs-Moms-based extravaganza*

Alice (‘the torso-whisperer’):

This is a truly terrible week for new releases, which has made the selection of my lemon fairly tricky. But after umming and aahing over The Roomate, Tomorrow When the War Began and Rio, I’ve gone for Mars Needs Moms. The horrible American spelling alone does it, but I’ve also developed a deadly allergy to sub-mediocre children’s films. (Pixar should be given a monopoly until the rest catch up.) Orange-wise, I’m going to have to go for something that was released last week. Go see Source Code to support emerging director Duncan Jones so he’ll be given the cash to bring us lots more lovely films. Yay!

Orange Choice: Source Code
Ultimate Lemon: Mars Needs Moms


Cherise (full of Leighton-Meester-based anger):

Mars Needs Moms? What the fuck is this shit? Mars needs moms? You know what Mars really needs? It needs everyone involved in creating this monstrosity to shuttle their way to the red planet and DIE from -93°C temperatures and solar wind exposure. On a lighter note, there’s Source Code – another film in which Jake Gyllenhaal gets to channel a messiah-complex and save the world from a fate of byzantine proportions, but most importantly, another film in which Gyllenhaal gets to emulate a G.I. Joe. Sadly, it probably won’t be anything like Jarhead, but one can still harbour the hope that Gyllenhaal will strip down to a solitary Christmas hat all the same. I have faith in you, G.I. Jake.

Orange Choice: Source Code
Ultimate Lemon: Mars Needs Moms


Cal(a rising star in Slovenian comedy):

I love talking animals. Who doesn’t? They’re animals that talk. I genuinely can’t think of anything better, other than perhaps a humming piece of furniture, but unfortunately there’s probably a little less cinematic scope for the latter. Anyway, Rio looks quite fun (I really hope the animals talk); brightly coloured and with a samba soundtrack, I’ve got some hopes about it. On the other hand, Your Highness looks a bit idiotic and I’m genuinely concerned about Franco and Portman.

Orange Choice: Rio
Ultimate Lemon: Your Highness


Jim (designated Mars Needs Moms watcher, bless his doomed socks)

My orange this week is Armadillo; a documentary film following a group of Danish soldiers on their first tour of duty in Southern Afghanistan. It eschews any obvious pro/anti-war editorial thread in favour of focusing on the individuals who fight our bloody battles. And the battles are bloody, so those who don’t fancy seeing lifeless corpses being dragged from a bloody trench might want to think twice. Also out this week is another horror show that takes place in an arid and desolate wasteland: Mars Needs Moms. It’s a story about a boy whose mum gets kidnapped by Martians because they don’t have mums on Mars. I don’t think I need to add anything to this other than in 2011 the only thing more futile than a land war in Afghanistan is apparently maintaining any faith whatsoever in Disney.

Orange Choice: Armadillo
Ultimate Lemon: Mars Needs Moms


Tash (whose interest in global history keeps being thwarted by Tintin trivia):

Gosh, well as much as I hate agreeing with people (and Lord knows I do hate it), it does look like the best option of the week is Source Code. Again. If only to teach Disney a lesson that they can’t just march out any old tripe and expect us to flock like mad, martian-loving cattle. Still, no matter how diabolical Mars Loves Moms looks, my lemon is going to be Rio. Purely because I’ve seen that Orange ad for it so many times I almost want to kill all the birds. That is a lots of birds (David), and frankly I don’t have the time nor the hand-eye co-ordination.

Orange Choice: Source Code
Ultimate Lemon: Rio


John(spending today mostly looking at nude pictures of Joanna Lumley)

This week, there’s only one film that should be attracting the interest of every genuine connoisseur; the extraordinary Rubber, a post-structuralist orgy of fourth wall breaches and exploding pigeons. You may never again have the opportunity to see a self-propelled tyre bringing the thunder in such spectacular style, so don’t miss your chance! Do, however, miss Rio; it’s best considered as a ninety-five minute requiem for Jesse Eisenberg’s short-lived credibility, although Anne Hathaway isn’t doing herself any favours as his avian co-star. AND W..illiam (is that right?) is in it somewhere, probably with the explicit intention of pissing me right off. Grr.

Orange Choice: Rubber
Ultimate Lemon: Rio


Which ragged avenger would you be joining, if you could choose a path? Let us know, before it’s too late… (ie it’s Thursday)

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