Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #42

*New interns new interns new interns! It’s a red letter day at Best For Film Towers, as enticingly fresh critical meat has scampered into our lair like a succulent dog trotting around Seoul. They seem perky and eager to please now, but that won’t last for long…*

Florence (doesn’t have a hat, like an IDIOT):
My first Orange ever is being awarded to Steven Soderbergh’s Contagion because, let’s be honest, everybody in that film could do with some Vitamin C. And also because Matt Damon is great at acting and you have to feel sorry for his wife dying even if it is Gwyneth Paltrow. And I think Jude Law is South African or something in it? Cool. My Lemon goes to Gus van Sant’s Restless, because the thought of having to watch its detestably quirky protagonists – who do believable, real-people things like visiting the funerals of strangers and talking to Japanese ghosts – made me want to give myself a paper cut and squeeze lemon juice on it.

Orange Choice: Contagion
Ultimate Lemon: Restless


John (is so disinterested in Tintin he can’t even be bothered to Lemon it):
My distinctly tropical Orange this week is Ra. One, the Hindi sci-fi epic which has enjoyed the biggest release of any Indian film ever this week. ONE AND THREE QUARTER BILLION RUPEES were spent on making this the most epic adventure ever to feature synchronised dancing and mad jangly music. The titular superhero has something called a Reconfigurable Optical Add-Drop Multiplexer, for God’s sake. Catching my Lemony disapproval, however, is Blood in the Mobile. It’s October, the weather’s miserable and everyone’s a bit skint; we don’t need reminding that our BlackBerries and iPhones are marinated in suffering.

Orange Choice: Ra. One
Ultimate Lemon: Blood in the Mobile


*Enraged by John’s quirky choices, spunky n00b Jonny buts in to bring things right back to the mainstream…*

Jonny (saved up a lifetime of enthusiasm in order to waste it on a big gummy bear):
This week the stand-out winner has got to be We Need to Talk About Kevin. I’d never read the book so I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but bloody hell – it’s like a beautifully directed two hours of being kicked in the balls. I’m so glad I watched it that I never want to see it again. A truly brutal orange. Paranormal Activity 3’s got to be my Lemon, though; it had so much potential for slow burning horror and genuine unease. Then it goes and wastes it all on cheap jumps and devil-children. Joost, Schulmann: know that I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Orange Choice: We Need to Talk About Kevin
Ultimate Lemon: Paranormal Activity 3


Tash (needs CRABS. CRABS and ROPE. CRABS and ROPE and DROWNING):
Served to me on a gleaming, racist platter, my orange of this week is The Help, an adaptation of the Kathryn Stockett novel of the same name. Championing civil rights in a backwards American town in the 60s, it would be a bit of an ‘and what?’-fest were it not for the inclusion of EMMA ‘EVERYTHING I DO IS AMAZING’ STONE. It’s bound to be heart-warming, low-hem-lined, high-tensions fun. Almost definitely. On the other, utterly hypocritical hand, a star-covered poster cannot quite save Contagion from being a bit of a black-hole – deeply stylish, deeply unnerving, no heart whatsoever. A lecture on Why You Should Wash Your Hands on a Wednesday? No thanks.

Orange Choice: The Help
Ultimate Lemon: Contagion


Papa Neish (champion of the dispossessed and herald of the Discovery Film Festival):
If you did childhood right, you will already be intimately familiar with Hergé’s The Adventures of Tintin, a series of illustrated adventure serials that covered everything from abominable snowmen to excursions to the moon. Steven Spielberg, who clearly aced adolescence, has turned his considerable talents to adapting and consolidating three of the character’s adventures for the big screen. The result: one of the best blistering blue blockbusters of the year. That’s right Snowy, woah indeed. If you’re not the biggest fan of fun, however, do not despair – Hollywood has catered for you too. When I – Patron Saint Of Guilty Pleasures – tell you that Monte Carlo is bad, so very bad, you had better bloody believe it.

Orange Choice: The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn
Ultimate Lemon: Monte Carlo


One day in, and still unbroken – enjoy your cinema trip, and check back next week to see if Flowers and Jonty are drooling and soiling themselves yet!

About The Author