#10 Twelve Monkeys

Tagline: The future is history.

We know what you’re thinking. Twelve Monkeys doesn’t sound like the title of a Christmas film. Well it also doesn’t not sound like the title of a Christmas film. Can you just lose the judging face and listen for two seconds, please? It is the Advent Season after all (“And at Christmas you don’t judge people’s film blogs” – Love Actually). This dystopian thriller from Terry Gilliam centres on Bruce Willis’ James Cole, a convict who is sent back in time to discover the causes of a virus that has wiped out a large portion of the population. It’s well dark.

What it SHOULD be about…

Tagline: The future is monkeys. Christmas monkeys.

James Cole is a cynical businessman who hates Christmas. He just hasn’t got time for it! But this year, come Christmas morn, James wakes up and goes to his kitchen to fix an espresso when the postman rings his doorbell with a mystery parcel. Puzzled, James accepts the present and as he unwraps it a monkey leaps out! Just when he thinks he’s got his hands full another monkey arrives on his doorstep the next morning, and another the day after that! Before long, James has TWELVE MONKEYS on his hands, one for each day of Christmas. But will he learn to love them and recapture his Christmas spirit?

#9 Little Town of Bethlehem

Tagline: N/A

This documentary from 2010 follows the lives of three men from three different faiths, caught up in the Israel-Palestine conflict. It’s not about Christmas in any way.

What it SHOULD be about…

Tagline: Innkeeping it in the family. The Holy family.

An innkeeper in Bethlehem is having a great year, hosting all the visitors from a local shepherding competition. Then one night, a heavily pregnant woman and her husband arrive looking for a place to stay. The innkeeper takes pity on them and lets them stay in the stable. A magical baby is born and everybody learns the meaning of Christmas spirit.

#8 Snow Angels

Tagline: Some will fall. Some will fly.

Snow Angels is an emotional drama about an estranged couple, Annie and Glenn (Kate Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell), living in a small town and coping with their utterly depressing lives. If you want to know more, read the Wikipedia page (prepare yourself to be stunned at how bleak this film is. It’s just SO bleak).

What it SHOULD be about…

Tagline: Some will fall in love. Some will fall in snow.

Annie is a hardworking independent businesswoman, while Glenn is a down-on-his-luck writer. Both are lonely hearts. But one day, while Christmas shopping, Annie accidentally runs Glenn over. In order to avoid a lawsuit, Annie nurses him back to health and in the process the two fall in love. Annie confides that she hasn’t made a snow angel since the death of her father and Glenn helps her to recapture her Christmas spirit just in time for the big day.

#7 The Good Shepherd

Tagline: Edward Wilson believed in America, and he would sacrifice everything he loved to protect it.

The Good Shepherd, directed by Robert De Niro, charts the life of Edward Wilson (Matt Damon), a CIA operative. It’s a serious, depressing look at a life lived in the clutches of the intelligence services, and the personal sacrifices that must be made in the name of the American people.

What it SHOULD be about…

Tagline: Edward Wilson believed in being a good shepherd, and he would sacrifice everything he loved to protect Christmas.

Edward is the worst shepherd around. Everyone knows that! Everyone is always like, “Oh EDWARD! What have you done now??!” And now, all the other shepherds in town are leaving for two weeks to go to a Christmas shepherding competition. While they’re gone, a group of sheep poachers turn up and it’s up to Edward to protect his flock and teach the poachers the true meaning of Christmas.

#6 Reindeer Games

Tagline: The trap is set. The game is on.

Yes this is a real film, why do you ask? It stars Ben Affleck and Charlize Theron and Gary Sinise and was (admittedly) renamed Deception, presumably because they were deceiving everyone by calling it Reindeer Games. Although clearly Reindeer Games is the vastly superior title. Nice going, film guys! You guys got it so wrong. This film is about a convict named Rudy (as in…as in, Rudolph the RED-NOSED REINDEER? Oh my god maybe this is a Christmas film) who gets out of jail and becomes embroiled in a bank robbery.

What it SHOULD be about…

Tagline: The red nose is on. As is the game.

Rudy is a cool guy who works at the reindeer sanctuary and wants to win this year’s Christmas fancy dress party – the prize is a whole Christmas goose! Unfortunately for him, sexy Ashley also has her eyes on the prize. Before long they’re both trying to outdo each other with their zany outfits. They soon fall in love and teach everyone the meaning of Christmas.

#5 Three Kings

Tagline: In a war without heroes they are kings.

David O. Russell’s war film follows the exploits of three soldiers (George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg and Ice Cube) in the first Gulf War, who set out to steal millions of dollars worth of Kuwaiti gold. The film is notable for being a searing satire on the nature of war, politics and and the media.

What it SHOULD be about…

Tagline: They are kings…who love to party!

Three wisecracking kings are on their way to Jerusalem for the party of the century when they spot a star hanging over a little town called Bethlehem. The kings decide to follow it and end up in a shed with a newborn baby. Before long, their money-grabbing, womanising ways are being challenged by the nice baby and everybody learns the meaning of Christmas.

#4 Candyman

Tagline: We Dare You To Say His Name Five Times!

Candyman is a film starring Tony Todd as a vengeful ghost monster who was killed by being covered in honey and stung to death by bees. He also has a hook for a hand. If you look in the mirror and say “Candyman” five times he comes and kills you with his hook! It’s not even a Christmas hook.

What it SHOULD be about…

Tagline: We Dare You To Eat Five Candy Canes Before Dinner!

The Candyman is the ghost of a man who worked at a candy cane factory and fell into a vat of candy canes and died. When you eat five candy canes before your dinner, he appears and gives you even more candy and everybody laughs and has a great time. Also, it’s Christmas.

#3 The Gift

Tagline: The only witness to the crime was not even there.

This thriller from Sam Raimi centres on Annie Wilson (Cate Blanchett) a woman who has a magic brain that can tell the future and all sorts of things like that. When a young woman disappears, Annie has to help solve the murder. There’s a scary bit with a man playing the violin really fast.

What it SHOULD be about…

Tagline: The only gift left in the shop is a mother’s love.

Annie is a cynical businesswoman who is rushed off her feet this Christmas. Her young son is losing faith in her, and requests one special Christmas gift. But Annie goes to the shop too late and can’t get the gift in time! Now Annie must travel to the North Pole to get the gift from Santa Claus himself. Will she make it and save Christmas?

#2 Snowtown

Tagline: N/A

Snowtown is an Australian film based on the true story of a notorious band of serial killers. The film follows a teenage boy (played by Lucas Pittaway, who TOTALLY looks like Nick Jonas of The Jonas Brothers fame) who gets caught up in the murders. There is little to no snow involved.

What it SHOULD be about…

Tagline: Snow way!

Teenager Jamie is forced to move away from his home to Alaska. “Boo! Alaska sucks!” says Jamie. But then he discovers that there is a competition to build the best ice village, or in other words, snow town. Suddenly, Jamie has something to live for! He also falls in love with a girl and on Christmas Day they eat turkey together in their igloo.

#1 Schindler’s List

Tagline: The List is Life.

Everyone is familiar with this film, right? Of course everyone is. It’s about a man called Oskar Schindler who writes this list with lots of Jewish peoples’ names on it and then they don’t get killed by Ralph Fiennes. That’s the plot right there. In a nutshell. It’s also really sad and depressing and there’s a little girl in it in a red coat who is PROBABLY FINE AT THE END. No spoilers.

What it SHOULD be about…

Tagline: The List is Life.

Oskar spent hours slaving over his Christmas list, getting it just right. But – just two days before Christmas – he discovers that his Grandpop forgot to put it in the mail! Now, Oskar must set off to the North Pole, list in hand, and try and get it to Father Christmas before it’s too late! Can Oskar save Christmas? Can he teach everyone the meaning of Christmas in time for the big day? CHRISTMASSY SPIRIT LOVE?!?!

If you feel we’ve missed off any Christmassy sounding titles that are in desperate need of a festive makeover, yule let us know right? Cool.