Back in the olden days when people had really buff hands because of all the writing with pencils and kissing looked really uncomfortable, parents just couldn’t be trusted to name our actors. The studios decided what names would be in bright lights. They were the ones that said to Fred Astaire: “Frederic Austerlitz? That’s way too Austrian-y and we all know Austrians are just Germans in disguise.” (ACTUAL QUOTE)

But we’ve grown. We’ve evolved. We don’t even force actors to change their ridiculous names anymore. That means parents of the world (and in some terrible cases, the actors themselves) are choosing what names we scream at the top of our lungs at premiers, or tattoo onto our bodies. And don’t think they don’t know what they’re doing. They know, oh they know my friend. No one calls their kid Summer Moon because they want them to grow up and be a well-respected doctor. Oh no. Summer Moon is going to Hollywood!

So without further ado, here are my most favourite, most ridiculous names in Hollywood:

#10. Channing Tatum

So why choose the old Tatemeister first? Tatum isn’t a silly last name. ‘Tatum’ isn’t even new to Hollywood (remember Tatum O’Neal? No? Sad). But Mr. and Mrs. Tatum didn’t let that stop them. They took the raw material of their surname and tempered it with something really fine; the name Channing. So what if there is no way to run that name without it sounding like a skin fungus? You can call him Chan. He’s just a normal guy. “Yeah, call me Chan,” he says while throwing you a football. He’s the Chan Chan Man. Channy. He’s just one of the guys. Chan.

#9. Kellan Lutz

This was a hard one for me to insert (SEXUAL PUNS ARE HILARIOUS), mostly because I am obsessed with Kellan Lutz. He is like a piece of wood with a face, each movie more terrible than the last. But oh boy, does he fucking own his name. Let me just say — and I don’t want to oversell this— there is no name in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE that expresses what you are going to encounter upon exposure, more clearly, than the name, Kellan Lutz.

#8. Steven Seagal

Okay, I know what you’re thinking: surely, SURELY there is nothing you can say about this name or this person, other than AWESOME. Surely, you can agree with the IMDB biographer that Steven Seagal is ‘striking’ and ‘boyishly handsome’ with ‘corrugated eyes’ (WTF?) and no man with such a face, and such a name could be made fun of. You would be wrong. Because Steven-Sexy-Corrugated-Eyes-Seagal has a dirty little secret. He isn’t Steven See-gahl (GASP!). He’s Steven See-gle. That’s how you pronounce it. See-gle. YOU’RE HALF-JEWISH STEVEN! YOU GREW UP IN MICHIGAN! And that’s okay. Isn’t it about time to accept yourself Steven? Isn’t it finally time?

#7. Zooey Deschanel

Yeah, I watch New Girl, but that’s because Schmidt is awesome and I enjoy poo-puns. But I don’t watch it for her. Not for this one. Not for ‘You-pronounce-it-Zoe’. Don’t fucking condescend to me like I’m the retard who can’t read. Or that the pronunciation is super obvious. YOU ARE WRONG! Your name is Zoo-y. I’m sorry your parents did that to you. I’m sorry that you could have had a normal name as evidenced by your middle name being Claire and your sister’s name being Emily. Your parents screwed you okay? The minute they tried to be ‘different’ by spelling Zoe incorrectly, they turned you into the vegan-hemp-wearing-douche you’ve become. BOO!

#6. Topher Grace

THIS IS NOT OKAY. YOUR NAME IS CHRISTOPHER. YOU CANNOT GIVE YOURSELF A NICKNAME. NOT OKAY. NOT OKAY!

#5. Billy Zane

“A real man makes his own luck – Billy Zane, Titanic.” Yes, Dwight Schrute is right. Billy inZane made his own luck the minute he went from William to Billy. He’s the kind of guy that could have gone on to do anything in the 1920s gangster-crime field, but he chose to fill our screens with his once-fabulous hair. Well done Billy, well done.

Oh, and why is Billy okay and Topher not okay? Because LOOK AT THEIR FACES!

#4. Destiny Hope Cyrus

In years to come, when all the pluses and minuses are added up, calling herself Miley instead of Destiny Hope, will still stand as the finest thing Miley Cyrus has ever done (will do).

#3. Billy Crudup

Okay, so Crudup isn’t anyone’s fault, that’s just an unfortunate surname, but doesn’t the name Billy Crudup kind of conjure a creep? Doesn’t he sound like he’d be the kind of guy to cheat on his pregnant long-term girlfriend of seven years and then leave her for Claire Danes before she’s even had the ba…wait a minute…

#2. Armie Hammer

This could have gone so wrong. This could have been a disaster. Luckily for Mr. and Mrs. Hammer, when they were sitting there naming their child Armand and laughing at their lame toothpaste joke, their son grew into this:

With a voice like a dusky, well aged, leather-bound book, and a face that looks like he moisturizes and teeth that could be on an actual Arm & Hammer toothpaste advert, Armie Hammer has not only risen above the joke, he’s in on it. Plus, LOOK AT HIM:

#1. Charlie Sheen

WE KNOW YOUR NAME IS CARLOS ESTEVEZ! YOU’RE FOOLING NO ONE CARLOS! NO ONE!

(I’m not a racist.)

Do you have any absurd names you’d like to add the mix? The Phoenix clan perhaps? The Fannings? Feel free to devastate my entire article with your thoughtful remarks. TRAITORS.