#10 – Keira Knightley’s So-Called Terrible Taste In Pie

There is nothing wrong with banoffee pie. Nothing. Nothing not one bit. And Keira Knightley, at seventeen, is too young to be getting married: she is definitely too young to be blaspheming the GOD OF PIES.

 

#9 – The Doll To Give Daisy’s Little Friend Emily

These dolls look EXACTLY like a transvestite and a dominatrix. Exactly. And oh, god, don’t give me that stuff about passing privilege, and the deep undercurrent of secret BDSM in the world today, and transphobia. I can care very deeply about these things and still be ASTOUNDED that they got two dolls to look so EXACTLY and TOTALLY inappropriate for Daisy’s Little Friend Emily.

 

#8 – SPANISH MAN TOPLESS

Swoon. Swoon all over the place. If you don’t do that thing Laura Linney does where she jumps up and down every time you see that Spanish bloke take his top off, you’re probably not alive (or you are a lesbian). He’s just a perfect example of humanity, really. Those arms. By God.

 

#7 – That thing where you predict what’s going to happen

I don’t know if everyone does this, but they should: shouting,pre-emptively, “DON”T CRASH YOUR CAR IN GRIEF, COLIN FIRTH”, or “WHY DON’T YOU LEARN THE DRUMS, KID?” You can do this with Love Actually because everyone’s seen it ten thousand times, even if they hate it.

 

#6 – The Accents of Everybody Not Absolutely 100% English

Everybody who doesn’t have a full on RP has a hilarious accent. The Americans, for example, are Hilarious Comedy Americans. The Big Slag has a not-at-all-subtle Eastern European Big Slag twang. Aurelia has the adorable prattery of the Inept Innocent.

 

#5 – Dido

There are not enough films with Dido in. Fact. BFF 4 you, Florian De Cloud De Bournville Armstrong.

 

#4 – Radio Watford

There are not enough films with Radio Watford in. Fact. BFF 4 you, Radio Watford. And your charming DJ. And Billy Mack. And his festering turd of a record.

 

#3 – Making hilarious Liam Neeson crossover jokes

Don’t get me wrong here: nobody, but nobody, is to make cracks about Natasha Richardson. What we can make jokes about, however, is the thing where you pretend there is a consistency between an actor’s characters. In this case, you mix in Taken‘s retired CIA spec ops bloke. Everything becomes imbued with a dark and dangerous significance.

 

#2 – “Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole.”

Do I need to say any more? No, I don’t. I love Bill Nighy more than anyone, ever, including our esteemed editor, and my mum, but about equal to how much I love swearing. This is #2 in honour of that fact.

 

#1 – “That…is…onexpected.”

This is the single best line in the film, and said by the single best character. You can keep your Colin Firths and your Emma Thompsons, I’ll take the Northern bloke in Hugh Grant’s cabinet, and his two hilarious contributions to government discourse. Oh, I love this film. I love that bloke. I don’t even know who he is. I’m a bit smashed. I probably love you too, to be honest. Merry Christmas.

 

That concludes our festive coverage for the year – next up, Burns Night. Is there a film about Burns Night?