#10 – Nicholas Sparks, Nicholas Sparks, Nicholas Sparks

Nicholas Sparks is the mastermind behind romantic drama Safe Haven so chances are you’ve already seen it anyway – just under a different name. To get an idea of how this guy writes, here’s one of his absolutely genuine top writing tips. Ready?

“You can’t be a writer if you don’t write, it’s just that simple.”

You know what? I can’t fault him on that one. Nicholas Sparks has, essentially, explained exactly what one has to do to be a writer. But picture the scene; you’ve arrived for the first day of your Beginner’s Language Course and you feel a nervous thrill of anticipation, desperate to learn how to parle français before your big trip to Paris next month. You’ve slid behind a desk, notebook out and pen poised. But your tutor is simply staring at you in silence. Nothing… nothing’s happening. Why is nothing happening?

Then he takes up a pen and begins writing on the whiteboard. Finally, you think, I shall MASTER THE SECRET of another language. But, as you watch the words form, your heart sinks:

“You can’t speak French if you don’t speak French, it’s just that simple.”

Seriously Nicholas Sparks, you’re an absolute dick. But we don’t really care that you refuse to share your wisdom on writing because, as it turns out, you haven’t the faintest clue on the subject. Sure, you’ve written a helluva lotta books – but they’re all basically a reworking of The Notebook, aren’t they? And we’re so over The Notebook.

#9 – The tagline will make your stomach cry

“Trust your heart to keep you safe”

What the Sparks!? That’s seriously the line they went with – and, every single time I read it, my gut gets the same cold, sick, clenching feeling it does on a morning after ten ill-advised double vodka shots. Trust your heart to keep you safe. IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!

#8 – Overuse of the old “secrets” excuse

Josh Duhamel thinks he’s found himself a dynamite gal when smoking hot blonde Julianne Hough comes to town. But, despite his Hollywood good looks, she seems… well, she seems pretty cold. Some may even say disinterested. Which is IMPOSSIBLE unless… sweet Jesus. We’ve seen this once before guys – and it never ends pretty.

Deep secrets. Deep, dark secrets. This woman has all of the secrets beating inside her feverish heart and they’re sort of… they’re sort of spilling out and creating a big wall of secret bricks between her and Josh Duhamel. HOW CAN HE GET HIS PENIS AND HIS LOVE THROUGH ALL OF THOSE SECRET BRICKS?

I just don’t care. And you shouldn’t care either, if you have any modicum of intelligence.

#7 – GHOSTS! GHOSTS EVERYWHERE AND OF EVERY KIND!

Nicholas Sparks may be a terrible writer, but at least he keeps things as realistic as he can in his wild musings on undying love, endless romance and men with impeccable abs. Which, essentially, means no ghosts.

UNTIL NOW! In Safe Haven, we get the (metaphorical) ghosts of Hough’s past coming back to haunt her, not to mention the idea that Hough is a ghost of her former self. Deep. That’s enough ghosts, right? Nope.

There’s proper ghosts in this story, guys. I’m talking the actual spirits of people who are actually dead. And you won’t like it when they make themselves known – trust me…

#6 – Let’s (inevitably) twist again

It wouldn’t be a Nicholas Sparks movie without a big fat twist at the end now, would it? Think The Notebook, when James Garner and Gena Rowlands turn out to be Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, think Zac Efron suddenly remembering the truth about Sgt. Aces in The Lucky One and think… well, think basically the end of any Nicholas Sparks adaptation you’ve had the displeasure of viewing.

The twist in Safe Haven is a humdinger, I’ll tell you that much. In fact, it could be the TWISTIEST TWISTY TWIST that Sparks has ever thrown in our faces ever. And yet, despite this, you’ll still see it coming a mile off.

Yes, it has something to do with ghosts.

No, it isn’t as good as The Sixth Sense.

#5 – Letters from beyond the grave. Really?

You remember how P.S. I Love You (I know, I can’t believe I just referenced it either) was all about receiving letters from beyond the grave, which helps Hilary Swank come to terms with the fact hubby Gerard Butler has bitten the big one? Yeah. Nicholas Sparks was apparently a big fan, as he’s sort of taken a bit of inspiration from it himself. Stolen it? No, don’t be silly. He hasn’t stolen it, so much as… borrowed it. But a bit like your little brother borrows things (e.g. Never giving back your toy horses and claiming they were ALWAYS his to begin with).

But Sparks’ version is completely different, anyway. Instead of letters from a dead husband, like in P.S. I Love You, Safe Haven features letters from a dead wife. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

#4 – Josh Duhamel

We have nothing against Josh Duhamel personally. In fact, we’re positive he’s a very nice man-turned-model-turned-actor. But, you gotta admit, he’s made some pretty terrible decisions when it comes to his film career, hasn’t he? Cast your mind back – you’ve got New Year’s Eve. You’ve gotMovie 43. You’ve got Transformers: Dark Side Of The Moon. You’ve even got working with Katherine Heigl.

It just doesn’t bode well for Safe Haven now, does it? Not one jot…

#3 – Rachel McAdams

Yes, I know she’s not even bloody in it. But you just know that, if Safe Haven does well, people will keep thinking about The Notebook and they’ll just keep on giving Rachel more and more work. And we’re not ready to let that happen here at BFF Towers…

#2 – Romantic cliches everywhere. Just everywhere.

I’d just like to, if I may, bring up two little niggles I have with Nicholas Sparks concerning his views on romance…

1) Rain is cold, wet (the bad wet), ruins hairstyles, makes clothes itchy and causes a strange smell of damp to linger about you wherever you go. Not exactly conducive to great sex, but hey, that’s just me.

2) If I meet someone with a dead spouse, I usually feel very sad about their loss. I’ll probably offer them a cup of tea and some sympathy or, if I’m feeling generous, a lovely hug. I don’t think, however, that I would be overcome with lust. Hearing about grief doesn’t usually have that effect on me, you know? It’s a bit depressing, not rip-off-your-trousers-and-take-me-now sexy.

#1 – Nicholas Sparks’ fans

Twilight has the Twihards. One Direction has the One Directioners. Justin Bieber has his Beliebers. And yet nobody has thought up a suitable name for die-hard Nicholas Sparks fans. Sparkles? Sparkies? Blithering idiots? I’ll figure something out later.

Whatever we end up calling them (I’m liking Sparkies, actually), there’s no denying that fans of Nick Sparks are in a breed of their own. They have their own special website, where they discuss which book made them cry the most. Then they discuss which book should be made into a movie next. And then they talk about the books making them cry again and compare it to how much they cried at the movies and, in short, it seems as if these weeping, wailing Sparkies just love misery.

To get an idea of what these people are like, I’ve selected a few choice quotes from their forum. I’m sure they won’t mind…

“DO YOU THINK A SECOND NIGHTS IN RODANTHE COULD BE WROTE, I DON,T BELEIVE THE DOCTOR WAS KILLED! THAT COULD BE MR. SPARKS NEXT BOOK? THANKS”

“How could a man think of such great love? Wish there were more of them out there! You”re a great inspiration, and a high impact on my imagination, and fantasies<3" "I_have_seen_"The..Notebook"..movie...may..be..over...100..times" If you go along to see Safe Haven, you will, essentially, be recognised by these people as One Of Them. Is that what you want? Of course it bloody isn’t. Do not, repeat, do NOT get suckered into this madness. Just one small spark (hey!) can cause a forest fire, you know…

Do you still plan on going to see Safe Haven? Explain yourself!