#10 – Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

It’s Scott Pilgrim! Scourge of evil exes everywhere! Plus, like many wonderful things (Ryan Gosling, Imperial Cheddar, maple syrup, being polite), he’s Canadian!

This 2010 Edgar Wright film tells the story of a lad called Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) who has to do battle against the seven evil exes of the girl he’s fallen for, Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead).

Who wins?

Scott! We think? Someone check that.

Who should have won?

The World. But it doesn’t matter really. Scott will inevitably die far sooner than Planet Earth.

#9 – Monsters vs. Aliens

This 2009 Dreamworks animation pitted friendly Earth monsters (including a giant Reese Witherspoon) against an evil space alien named Gallaxhar (Rainn Wilson).

Who wins?

The nice monsters obviously. Come on, this is a kids film. No death, destruction and misery here *sigh*.

Who should have won?

The aliens. They’ve obviously developed technology sophisticated enough to master close to lightspeed travel. As if they couldn’t kill a bunch of Earth monsters! The scientific community should have been in uproar over this.

#8 – Freddie vs. Jason

So this film opens in Hell, where Freddie Krueger and Jason Voorhees have been imprisoned for their varying crimes against the Nubile Teen population of eighties America. Freddie convinces Jason to escape Hell and start killing people so that Freddie can stalk people’s dreams again? Something like that that doesn’t make sense. Jason does Freddie’s bidding and starts killing everyone with his machete, then Freddie escapes as well. I don’t know.

Who wins?

Both/neither. Something about a lake.

Who should have won?

Jason is the clear winner here. He was happily minding his own business in Hell when Freddie forced him out. Having said that, Freddie was really the mastermind behind the whole affair. Guys, this is too close to call.

#7 – King Kong vs. Godzilla

Godzilla is trapped in an iceberg. He is accidentally freed. Then, at some point, this happens:

Who wins?

Kong.

Who should have won?

The giant octopus.

#6 – Alien vs. Predator

Humans uncover some Alien eggs then the Predators turn up. Everyone gets locked in. Shit gets real.

Who wins?

The Predators…or do they?

Who should have won?

Ripley. WHERE WAS RIPLEY? At least all this alien vs. predator business is over and done with.

#5 – Alien vs. Predator Requiem

NOPE. NOT OVER. FOOLED YOU. Why do people who make films think they can put the word “Requiem” at the end of a pre-existing film title to make it into a sequel?

Anyway, here’s a thing:

Who wins?

Nobody.

Who should have won?

Nobody: Requiem.

#4 – Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

Jaleel White stars in this film. Know who that is? This guy:

Know who else is in this? Gary Stretch, the villain from Shane Meadows’ brutal revenge drama Dead Man’s Shoes:

Now conflate, if you will, those two scenes in your head. Add in a crocosaurus, whatever that is, and you will have something which I can only assume will closely resemble the plot of Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.

Who wins?

A volcanic eruption. Genuinely.

Who should have won?

Steve Urkel.

#3 – Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys

This film stars Corey Feldman as a puppet master. Its budget was over two million dollars. It was made in 2004. Any of these statements making any sense to you? Good, us neither.

Here’s a paragraph from the Wikipedia entry:

“Meanwhile an evil toy manufacturer Erica Sharpe was apparently a spoiled child with a father who owned a toy factory and would do anything for her. When she begged her father for him to get her toys that live, when he couldn’t get them he tried to live up to his goal as a nice father and went to the length of getting in contact with Bael (the demon of wealth and profits) in which he made a deal to have toys that live in exchange for his soul. The toys which he was given were found in the darkest corners of hell and had previously raised a lot of havoc elsewhere.”

So that’s cleared everything up.

Who wins?

Corey Feldman’s career.

Who should have won?

I’m not even sure I understand what just happened.

#2 – Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Hooray! It’s BFF favourite, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil!

This 2010 horror comedy pitted two amiable rednecks (Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine) against a gang of holiday-making teens, who become convinced that our heroes are trying to murder them. Cleverly subverting all the familiar horror movie tropes – in much the same way as Cabin in the Woods – Tucker and Dale was a sorely overlooked little gem packed full of gore, hearty laughs and winning performances.

WHAT I’M ALLOWED TO BE SINCERE ABOUT SOME THINGS.

Who wins?

Tucker and Dale!

Who should have won?

Tucker and Dale!

#1 – Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

And here it is, folks. The number one “something VERSUS something” film of all time. Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus might have starred Steve Urkel, but its precursor was the original and best.

You know what’s it like. You’re just a mega shark, trying to make it, chewing bridges, taking names until a fuck off huge octopus suddenly gets up in your business. Stay out of that mega shark’s business, giant octopus!

Who wins?

Neither! What? This is some bullshit. Until you remember that the shark is still alive in the sequel. Thank crap for that.

Who should have won?

This question is redundant. We’re all losers here.