#5 – Taken

There’s something incredibly sad about the fact that France, traditionally a country that understands the importance of men, could ever produce a hymn to misandry like Taken. Liam Neeson’s character begins the film by protecting a helpless music babe with his superior strength and intellect, but does his wife appreciate it? No, she’s gone off and married some namby-pamby brainwashed fruit slice who lies around eating soft cheese and chirruping. Then she tries to rob Liam of his sacred rights as a FATHER (where would we be without FATHERS?) by letting their stupid daughter go off to Paris on her own. And when she’s abducted by traffickers, who sorts it out? Well, it isn’t Andrea Dworkin.

#4 – Juno

In a world where pseudonymous strippers like Diablo Cody weren’t allowed to just run around and write whatever they wanted (and VOTE, don’t get us started on them voting), the plot of Juno would have gone like this. Michael Cera bangs noted lesbian Ellen Page for a laugh, so he can tell his mates on the running team that she’s a slag. She gets pregnant. Michael Cera organises her abortion, to which she’d consent if she had any say in the matter (because she understands that men know best). Michael Cera then gets a good job and boshes loads of gack, because LADS LADS LADS. Alternatively, if he wanted to have a child then Ellen would quietly marry him, stay at home, have his baby and care for it until it learned to hate and despise her for not being its father (FATHERS 4 JUSTICE). Also, letting women go on top is symbolically eroding the patriarchy. Don’t do it.

#3 – The Witches of Eastwick

A classic example of a man trying to do what’s best for women, only to have them spit in his face. Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer have all lost their husbands, and (obviously) they’re the worse for it – so Jack Nicholson pitches up to bless them with the beef and get things sorted. How do the Bitches of Eastwick respond? Using feminist witchery of the type that Germaine Greer presumably employed to magic herself into the public eye for thirty bloody years, they banish him into a television set where, presumably, he’s forced to talk to Tina Fey and Lena Dunham about dungarees and castration. Meanwhile, his children grow up without a father (WE ALL NEED A FATHER), contributing to the next generation of uncontrollable women and subservient man-boys.

#2 – Teeth

Look, we don’t want to get into trouble but we’ve heard that Caitlin Moran is funding experiments into actually growing vagina teeth. Oh, we know they’ll start by saying it’s just to stop rapists, but how long before innocently pinching a likely lass on the arse will mean losing your hand to a ravenous feminist Sarlaac pit? Then they’ll be biting men’s tongues out for harmless witticisms like “Get your tits out for the lads”, and before you know it the Empress Moran will be sitting atop a pyramid of severed testicles, waiting for the latest hapless sacrifice to be fed, lump by writhing lump, into her all-consuming foofoo. We’d bet money that Gloria Steinem’s worked out a way to rip out a penis at the roots and just plug it in between the canines, too. Teeth may seem like a comedy horror flick, but what it really is is a blueprint for the eradication of fathers (YOU CAN’T BE A FATHER IF A LEZZER BITES YOUR COCK OFF) and the brutal emasculation of the nobler sex.

#1 – The Wicker Man (2006)

A rare triumph in the annals of feminazified Hollywood history, The Wicker Man is a work of cinematic genius for one reason above all others – it dares to expose women as the brutal, insane, soft-haired plump-buttocked monsters that they are. Nicolas Cage (there’s a man who understands that sometimes men have to buy a dinosaur skull and go mental outside Romanian nightclubs) plays a conscientious cop who GOES OUT OF HIS WAY to help a DIRTY, USELESS, GLEAMING BEAUTIFUL WOMAN find her daughter, who turns out to be HIS DAUGHTER TOO, only it turns out that his daughter is an EVIL PAGAN HAG JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS. ALL THE OTHER BEAUTIFUL EVIL WOMEN. WHY WON’T THEY TALK TO ME? SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERE’S NO FATHER? GIRLS NEED FATHERS JUST LIKE WOMEN NEED FATHERS, JUST LIKE I NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE. JUST ONCE. ONCE WOULD BE ENOUGH. ONLY WOMEN WITH NICOLAS CAGE AS A FATHER WILL SURVIVE THE COMING APOCALYPSE. SMOKE THEM OUT AND SWAT THEM LIKE THE SWARMING BUZZING POLLEN-DRENCHED BITCHES THEY ARE.

Ahem. Happy International Men’s Day, everyone!